I had my heart broken

I just... He was the first person, and only (so far) that has ever tried to understand what makes me so shy. He was the only one who tried to get past that, to make me be more open. And he did manage to do that. But him dissappearing like this makes me feel like it's because I'm a horrible person deep down, that I'm hiding a monster behind a mask of shyness.
I know I shouldn't be defending him this much, but... he still means the world to me. He's so much more important than any other person has ever been, and letting go of him would just leave a huge void. I guess I fell for him way too hard.

You aren't horrible. In the act of showing this much thought and care, you make it obvious that you really are a nice person. A cold "monster" wouldn't be this distraught. You have to give other guys a chance by giving yourself one first. He isnt the only person that will try and reach out to you, but unless you give others the chance, no one else ever will.
The first "love" is always the hardest to move on from and the one you remember the most. I live in fear of the day that me and my girlfriend ever break up, because I know I will probably feel much the same way as you do now. But there will be another but again, and i want this point to be made clear, you have to be willing to accept yourself.

I know the facts say that I'm no monster, but I just can't convince me to really believe it for whatever stupid reason. And whenever I make progress, something like this happens and most, if not all, of the progress gets reversed.

Yeah, I know that feeling and it sucks. There is no point denying it. But think of it in the sense that you know its possible to make progress, so why cant you do it again? Self-doubt is self-fulfilling and if you keep saying you are a monster and have no worth, it will actually turn out to be the case. At this point, (and I really hope this is condescending) I think you are a distressed girl that is confused about her own identity. You found someone that gave you strength and when he was gone you werent able to keep it going any longer. I think that sums it up in a nutshell and in that summary, there is nothing about giving up and never trying again. You sound sweet and nice from this limited conversation with you. Believe in yourself. And while it doesnt mean much to come from someone you barely know on the internet, I believe in you too.

It means a lot more than you think. I wish more people could say that to me, so that I could maybe start to believe it myself.
After so many years of just struggling with everything by myself to find a person who makes you feel like you could do so much more than you previously thought, someone you can lean on when you feel you can't keep going on until you regain your strength, only to have them suddenly dissappear is the worst thing I can think of... I don't think I've ever cried this much over one thing or person.

Yeah, I can't imagine how that feels. But hey, if you ever need to chat, feel free to hit me up in a PM or something. I am always happy to help. I am off now since its about midnight here but I hope you are maybe feeling a little bit more at ease, since "better" probably isn't the right word at the moment.

I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for everything you've done so far.

This is similar to something I went through with a girl I met online. I wrote a couple blogs where I talked about her on here last year. I ended up being the one to cut off contact, but I had very valid reasons that I let her know of before I blocked her from every line of communication. Obviously too young for a serious relationship (she still seemed stuck in the idea of a middle school relationship [ages 13-14, if you don't know], which is simply laughable considering she's only two years younger than myself). Anyways, yeah, it sucks, but even if he did start talking with you again, nothing would be the same. From experience, I can say that whatever he might have been feeling that led him to say what he did is gone, which is the only reason he could cut you out so easily. In some twisted way, you can also interpret it as caring that he chose to not put you through the pain his words may have held, and instead chose silence. Not the right move by any means, but I'd imagine that's how he was rationalizing it.

You may be heartbroken now, but I'm positive you'll move on fine. This is especially true for online relationships. They tend to not carry the weight of the tangible experience, and in the end, you move right on past it and keep going.

Oh, and as a kind of karma balance type deal, I was actually the victim of this about a month back. We talked for a couple of months, things were going well, we seemed to like each other more than a little (oh that "l" word), then she randomly just stopped talking to me. I tried off and on to talk to her for a couple of weeks before I got the clear hint. It sucked, but I got past it pretty quickly, probably because I understood why she did it (things progressed too quickly, and I'm sure she was leagues away from what felt comfortable anymore). It still would have been nice to have a confirmation as to her reasons, though. Ah well. C'est la vie.

A small tip:
Try to avoid strictly online dating. I've seen a very, very small amount of successes compared to the number of crashing failures. Unless you know you can actually be with the person, in person, it has ridiculously low chances of lasting. A tangible experience is more rewarding with a greater, truer bond.

It's not that we couldn't be more than friends that kills me, but that he had to leave completely. I know internet relationships aren't the best relationships, but I have a friend who's engaged to a guy she met online.

I know that it's most likely that he never wants to see me again, but I still love him with all my heart.

Most importantly, you may want to start chipping away at that wall of love you've built yourself. There's not much worse than one sided love. You only serve to let yourself hurt more if you opt to dwell on an inkling of hope. I'd highly suggest distracting yourself and not even thinking about him. Delete any old conversations you may be keeping for personal reasons and anything like that. Anything that lets you dwell and enables you to stay stationary emotionally has got to go.

Now, like I said, a very small amount of successes compared to an overwhelming rate of failure. Generally, if you can't physically meet the person within a certain time frame, feelings and emotions begin to degrade at least on one side. Taking the time to look back at what you could have that is tangible that you can find close to home, well, it hurts a long distance relationship. It hurts it bad. Textual reassurance isn't enough. Video chatting on Skype isn't a proper substitute for actually seeing one another. Things fall apart for at least one person.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for anybody that can make an online relationship work, but from my personal experience, as well as observation, the pitiful success rate usually isn't worth the chance taken. Relying on the handful of success stories to back your own desires is generally a poor course of action. I also have a friend that has been doing incredibly well with the guy she met online, once she was able to get herself over to Europe. I forget how long it took for her to get their, but damn, it's practically a miracle that it worked.

I have no idea how old you are, and that's a pretty important factor on whether you should have even considered an online relationship in the first place. If you're still in your teens, chances are, you don't want to commit yourself to somebody who you might not get to see in person for upwards of 3+ years. I don't know of a human alive who can manage to hold their feelings that long with a lack of physical contact. If you don't have a steady income, you never ever want to try to commit yourself to somebody online. There's too much to consider, and too much that can go wrong. A relationship is hard enough as it is. It's 10x harder trying to keep it all online.

To top off this comment, a theory of mine:
With distance, there is an extra sense of romanticism. We see the person almost as more than they are because they are literally untouchable. There's simply something romantic about meeting online, and potentially ending up together, face to face, after all of the trials. Ultimately though, we only serve to build ourselves up to inevitably be broken down. If the romantic feeling fades for even one person, they wonder what the hell they're doing (seems to happen more with guys than with girls). Then they realize they weren't just lying to the other, but lying to themselves. For some people, that's too hard to face and admit, so they do what's easily done with an online relationship: they break contact.

I could be totally off base there, but it seems relatively sound overall. Something to consider.

Sorry for the long comments, and if they feel disjointed. Doing this stuff at 4am probably isn't my best idea. :3

I'm just over 20.

The long comments are okay, they have lot of things I should think over. It amazes me how much more people on a forum can see than me, even just from the bits of information I've given them. I'm starting to understand that moving on is the best course of action, since on the off chance he does return, he wouldn't want to find me broken and bitter over this. He wouldn't want me to suffer. Just actually doing that is so difficult.