I am mostly shut down when it comes to personal matters.
Feelings, persons, actions, I barely talk about that, even in real life.
These past days have been excruciatingly hard on me.
I was dating a girl from way back a year and a half ago.
I knew her since 2013, but we started dating only until May 2015.
She was sent out of town by her mother to the state's capital to take care of her grandparents.
She was the only person I used to see in a somewhat recurrent basis.
Out of that, I don't even go out, I don't have any real friends nor anyone close to me to rely upon in this situations. I am used to struggle with myself when it comes to issues or any kind of problem.
But this time it's different.
She was the only one I could "somewhat" rely on, for better or worse...
She was most of the time harsh to me, as soon as I wanted to talk about something just to get it out (which believe me, I don't do often), she usually replied with harsh comments, when all I needed was some moral support. Even worse, I started only seeing her when she needed something, like a ride, money or to go somewhere else, but we barely went out on an actual date just the two of us.
With that, time passed and I didn't even wanted to even comment on anything about myself because of how harsh she was with me, but still I was with her... Until this week.
She told she was going to stay with the grandparents and she would continue her life there.
I was somewhat shocked, but that was when I found out she was staying there before she told me, which was like a week before she actually mentioned it to me.
I will be honest here and mentioned that, yes, I deeply cared about her.
Being mostly a lone person myself, I did have a cherished feeling, a deep affection and love to her person.
I tried to help her and support her in everything that was humanly possible to me, but it saddened me to know that it wasn't reciprocate, even though we were supposed to be in a relationship.
As time passed, and after our first half a year together, I started noticing that she was stopping to make any kind of kind gesture to me, not even a kiss, heck not even a single hug nor a hand grab at all.
I knew that was when it started to go downhill.
But until this past week, it all came to an end.
I asked her if I could still go to the capital and see her during weekends or when I had free days at work during the week, but she refused. I was making my best effort to try to work it out, believe me, I did, but right after I asked her if I could see her there, she basically responded with a solid "For what?".
That's when I knew that was it, I then proceeded to ask her if she really wanted to keep trying to maintain the relationship at a distance, as I could go there in free days and it's like 3 hours away, but instead of just giving an honest and kind "No" in response, she continued to reply back with horrible comments about my self being, every little nit-pick she ever had in our relationship, she brought them back and at full force, even telling me even more offending things which go into a more personal level.
I didn't even paid real attention to that, since I knew if I did it would have been worse to me and my own psyche.
I do still care for her, a lot, and really loved her, without a doubt she was the person which has touched my life more than anyone else, but I guess this was for the best, as it clearly shows that she didn't have any kind of affection to my person.
What saddens me the most is that, because I have no person close to me at all, I have no one to talk to, no one to ask for a helping hand, not even a hug to even ease to an extent the pain, sadness and depression I currently have.
I know I have to just get rid of her and her memories, but with the added lack of any other close person, I will have to go through this alone, struggling with my own mind until I manage to find a way out of all this mess by myself.
I just wanted to get this out of my system for a while, to hopefully relieve the pain somehow.
Hope this doesn't bother anyone.
Feelings, persons, actions, I barely talk about that, even in real life.
These past days have been excruciatingly hard on me.
I was dating a girl from way back a year and a half ago.
I knew her since 2013, but we started dating only until May 2015.
She was sent out of town by her mother to the state's capital to take care of her grandparents.
She was the only person I used to see in a somewhat recurrent basis.
Out of that, I don't even go out, I don't have any real friends nor anyone close to me to rely upon in this situations. I am used to struggle with myself when it comes to issues or any kind of problem.
But this time it's different.
She was the only one I could "somewhat" rely on, for better or worse...
She was most of the time harsh to me, as soon as I wanted to talk about something just to get it out (which believe me, I don't do often), she usually replied with harsh comments, when all I needed was some moral support. Even worse, I started only seeing her when she needed something, like a ride, money or to go somewhere else, but we barely went out on an actual date just the two of us.
With that, time passed and I didn't even wanted to even comment on anything about myself because of how harsh she was with me, but still I was with her... Until this week.
She told she was going to stay with the grandparents and she would continue her life there.
I was somewhat shocked, but that was when I found out she was staying there before she told me, which was like a week before she actually mentioned it to me.
I will be honest here and mentioned that, yes, I deeply cared about her.
Being mostly a lone person myself, I did have a cherished feeling, a deep affection and love to her person.
I tried to help her and support her in everything that was humanly possible to me, but it saddened me to know that it wasn't reciprocate, even though we were supposed to be in a relationship.
As time passed, and after our first half a year together, I started noticing that she was stopping to make any kind of kind gesture to me, not even a kiss, heck not even a single hug nor a hand grab at all.
I knew that was when it started to go downhill.
But until this past week, it all came to an end.
I asked her if I could still go to the capital and see her during weekends or when I had free days at work during the week, but she refused. I was making my best effort to try to work it out, believe me, I did, but right after I asked her if I could see her there, she basically responded with a solid "For what?".
That's when I knew that was it, I then proceeded to ask her if she really wanted to keep trying to maintain the relationship at a distance, as I could go there in free days and it's like 3 hours away, but instead of just giving an honest and kind "No" in response, she continued to reply back with horrible comments about my self being, every little nit-pick she ever had in our relationship, she brought them back and at full force, even telling me even more offending things which go into a more personal level.
I didn't even paid real attention to that, since I knew if I did it would have been worse to me and my own psyche.
I do still care for her, a lot, and really loved her, without a doubt she was the person which has touched my life more than anyone else, but I guess this was for the best, as it clearly shows that she didn't have any kind of affection to my person.
What saddens me the most is that, because I have no person close to me at all, I have no one to talk to, no one to ask for a helping hand, not even a hug to even ease to an extent the pain, sadness and depression I currently have.
I know I have to just get rid of her and her memories, but with the added lack of any other close person, I will have to go through this alone, struggling with my own mind until I manage to find a way out of all this mess by myself.
I just wanted to get this out of my system for a while, to hopefully relieve the pain somehow.
Hope this doesn't bother anyone.
