This is a blog I knew I was going to make one day and I've had well over a month to think it out, yet I am still just gonna have wing it. I ask those who are reading to please have a some respect before commenting and take a moment to understand what happened. This blog is going to be dealing with emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, financial abuse, and a lot of other forms of psychological abuse. I am making this blog to not only example what happened, but to also apologize for my actions. That all being said, I guess it's about time I get to the blog.
There's really really no other way to start this than talking about what happened recently and how everything lead up to that point. As many know, I had two boyfriends, I say had because I finally broke up with them last month. I broke up with them because I finally realized just abusive they really were and how deeply controlling they had become. Over the past couple of years they had slowly conditioned me into giving up my money, giving up friends, and become completely dependent on them for my day to day life. They had actually used my own weakness to slowly cause me to give up ownership of my card, until the point where I didn't even know much money was in my account, I didn't know how much bills cost, I didn't know how much they were spending, I literally wasn't allowed to handle my own money. They coupled this abuse by basically controlling how long I could spend with friends, as I had to money for food or really anything. They were able to do this by abusing my trust and knowledge of my weakness against me. It started out small like, "We are just using your card for our lunches" or "We know you hate shopping at your store when you are off," to slowly wean me into becoming used to them having my card on a regular basis. Until it slowly went from "my card" to "our card," to "the card," and my card was something I never saw after that. Sadly it worked because I believed that they had my best interest in mind and slowly stopped seeing it as abusive behavior. This behavior had sadly not stopped after we broke up. I had let them keep my card to do some repairs on their car and they stole 800$ from me when I was simply trying to help them. Which actually brings me to a very important story about that 800$. After I had gotten my card back from them, I quickly rushed to WalMart to check and withdraw whatever was left on my card (the site for my card is fucked, so I had to go the store to check the balance.) While I was there I came to find out that they had taken over 800$ out of the account and I was a bit upset, not surprised, just upset. As I was walking away from the Customer service desk, I literally ran right into them leave the store and the first things I hear were, "What are doing?" and "Why did you need your pin?" They looked me right in the eyes and asked those questions like they were not only normal questions, but like they had done nothing wrong. They robbed someone who they said that they loved of 800$ and literally acted like it was another day in the park. I don't even remember what I said to them, I just beyond hurt, broken, angered, I wanted to beat the shit out of them. So I got my money and lunch for the week and left the store. My significant other, who I actually left them for, was driving us home and asked me, "How did I feel about running into them like that?" Which actually caused me to go into a complete meltdown in the car and I do remember saying, "I was mad, I was hurt, I wanted to hit them! I wanted them dead!" To which I actually started hitting the dash, screaming, and crying uncontrollably. After years of abuse from those two, I finally had the validation that I needed, the unfair lesson that broke me free from them. The pain I was feeling was too real as I felt a mix of anger, hurt, and yet relief. I knew I was right, I was right about them, I was right about the abuse, and I was right to leave them. I felt freed in that moment as my meltdown slowly subsisted and my loving partner kept by me to make sure I was doing ok. That was the moment of clarity that snapped me out of the delusion those two put me into. The moment when I realized that I didn't need them and that my life is better off without them and that I could move forward.
As time went on they slowly became progressively more controlling over me. They realized that they could easily cause me to have panic attacks by closing me in a room and blocking the door or blocking me in a corner. They used this knowledge to slowly breakdown my mental state until I was subservient to them. They did this whenever they noticed a change in my behavior and would often force answers out of me that fit their narrative. They would actually always find methods of cornering me, from literally cornering me to deciding to "talk" while I am on lunch. All forms were used would cause me to have an anxiety attack and simply cause me to just agree to whatever got me out of that situation. They slowly stopped this behavior when I basically just did whatever they said and they were able to slowly train me like a dog. It literally started becoming, do a task, good girl, here's a treat. And it caused me to just lose touch with my identity as I was basically only allowed to be the bits of myself that they liked, meaning putting so much of myself aside just for them. This is honestly one of the hardest things for me to type, let alone talk about. Deep down I want to believe this isn't true, but I know it is. After breaking up with them, roommates and friends started coming out of the woodwork to confirm that they had witness this happening, but were afraid that telling me would have only pushed me more to them...which is sadly a valid fear because that had happened before. Luckily this time I had help that was willing to drag me out of there, but I will be touching more on that in a bit.
So fast forward through the years as this all slowly becomes a norm and I just become more and more conditioned to it and stopping at last year. Last year I met my partner, Rhi. I met them through a friend of mine when she invited them over to play D&D with our D&D group. They second I saw them I was in love and I just needed them know more about them. As time went on and our friendship grew and we slowly learned more about each other, I slowly started to confide in them that I suspected my boyfriends were abusive. They started to keep an eye on those two and slowly started confirm my suspensions. Fast forward more until September when Rhi had to move in with us because they had lost their job due to medical reasons. After we started living together we finally confided in our love for each other and planned to have me breakup with my boyfriends, as I really didn't want to be with them at that point. I had more than confirmed their abusive behavior and already planned on moving out. Well it ended up backfiring and they cornered me into agreeing to date Rhi on the side, but stay with them. Which only resulted in them secretly abusing Rhi when I wasn't home and trying to break us up by pretending to be the victims. This resulted in my mental state completely falling apart as I no longer knew what to do anymore. I started lashing out like a trapped animal because I that's what I had become. I was trapped with two abusive boyfriends and a lover who was desperately trying to save me, while I was just trying to end myself. It was an extremely ugly couple of months and it's not something I am proud of. Years of abusive behavior and deep conditioning had basically rendered me to be almost completely lost, until one night last month. Last month I got fucking smashed trying to die again and told Rhi to just come over and force me out of there. Which is just what happened. they came over and helped me break up with my boyfriends, then took me to my friend's house. I've been at this house for nearly a month now recovering and safely away from those two. I've also had Rhi living us and help me get to and from work, as well just be a great partner through all of this. So it's been quite the past couple of months for me.
So what does this all have to do with the Temp? Timing, literally bad timing. An incident happened in November which resulted in me getting a warning, to which I was having none of that. I was already suffering from the early stages of my mental breakdown and that just didn't set well with me. So I lashed out and started a kerfuffle with the staff over this warning, which resulted in another warning. Being that I was about as stable as a broken chair, I overreacted to the entire situation and quit. Then the rest were just stages of my meltdown. I felt like I had no control over my own life, so I started acting out in situations where I felt like I could control. The more unstable I became, the more I wanted to control at least one part of my life and sadly the Temp became that part. It wasn't the responsible thing to do, it wasn't right of me to do any of that, and it wasn't healthy. I was attacking innocent people and the staff (who were in the right and just doing their job, might I add,) because I was unstable and my broken mental state believed that my actions could bring some stability to my life. In the end I ended up looking an asshole with 2 warnings and a month long suspension. But that did give me time to reflect on my actions and also spared the Temp anymore issues that would have been caused by my messy breakup. So good on the staff for noticing a problem and handling it to the best of their ability. That all being said though, I would like to publicly apologize to the Staff, @BORTZ in particular. My actions were not acceptable, they were not excusable, and you guys did the right thing, I was in the wrong. BORTZ you were doing your job and I hold the upmost respect for you, I shouldn't have lashed out at you like I did. I wasn't my situation properly and I shouldn't have made that the Temp's problem. Looking back I was acting extremely childish and foolish, the Staff made the right call to warn me and more so did the right thing by suspending me and effectively making me reflect on my actions.
So what's the future look like for me? Well Rhi and I are actually getting my old apartment and my exes are moving out of State. So we are getting a three bedroom apartment behind my workplace and going to be setting our own offices in two of the rooms and working on going to Japan in the future (Rhi's livelong dream.) I am currently studying Japanese with Rhi (who is almost fluent in Japanese.) I am also looking to going to college to study history and geology, two fields that I've spent years studying to begin with. I am also currently working some projects related to my Rpi3 and helping with some future 3DS projects. So life isn't looking too bad for me at this point and hopefully that will help lead me to a better state of mind. Hopefully the Temp will be able to see the real Crystal behind the Lilith account, the one who was lost for so many years. Thanks for reading and here's some Lilith art!
View attachment 117118
Awoooooo! Because while I was away, I decided to confirm that Lilith is half Wolf, half husky.
There's really really no other way to start this than talking about what happened recently and how everything lead up to that point. As many know, I had two boyfriends, I say had because I finally broke up with them last month. I broke up with them because I finally realized just abusive they really were and how deeply controlling they had become. Over the past couple of years they had slowly conditioned me into giving up my money, giving up friends, and become completely dependent on them for my day to day life. They had actually used my own weakness to slowly cause me to give up ownership of my card, until the point where I didn't even know much money was in my account, I didn't know how much bills cost, I didn't know how much they were spending, I literally wasn't allowed to handle my own money. They coupled this abuse by basically controlling how long I could spend with friends, as I had to money for food or really anything. They were able to do this by abusing my trust and knowledge of my weakness against me. It started out small like, "We are just using your card for our lunches" or "We know you hate shopping at your store when you are off," to slowly wean me into becoming used to them having my card on a regular basis. Until it slowly went from "my card" to "our card," to "the card," and my card was something I never saw after that. Sadly it worked because I believed that they had my best interest in mind and slowly stopped seeing it as abusive behavior. This behavior had sadly not stopped after we broke up. I had let them keep my card to do some repairs on their car and they stole 800$ from me when I was simply trying to help them. Which actually brings me to a very important story about that 800$. After I had gotten my card back from them, I quickly rushed to WalMart to check and withdraw whatever was left on my card (the site for my card is fucked, so I had to go the store to check the balance.) While I was there I came to find out that they had taken over 800$ out of the account and I was a bit upset, not surprised, just upset. As I was walking away from the Customer service desk, I literally ran right into them leave the store and the first things I hear were, "What are doing?" and "Why did you need your pin?" They looked me right in the eyes and asked those questions like they were not only normal questions, but like they had done nothing wrong. They robbed someone who they said that they loved of 800$ and literally acted like it was another day in the park. I don't even remember what I said to them, I just beyond hurt, broken, angered, I wanted to beat the shit out of them. So I got my money and lunch for the week and left the store. My significant other, who I actually left them for, was driving us home and asked me, "How did I feel about running into them like that?" Which actually caused me to go into a complete meltdown in the car and I do remember saying, "I was mad, I was hurt, I wanted to hit them! I wanted them dead!" To which I actually started hitting the dash, screaming, and crying uncontrollably. After years of abuse from those two, I finally had the validation that I needed, the unfair lesson that broke me free from them. The pain I was feeling was too real as I felt a mix of anger, hurt, and yet relief. I knew I was right, I was right about them, I was right about the abuse, and I was right to leave them. I felt freed in that moment as my meltdown slowly subsisted and my loving partner kept by me to make sure I was doing ok. That was the moment of clarity that snapped me out of the delusion those two put me into. The moment when I realized that I didn't need them and that my life is better off without them and that I could move forward.
As time went on they slowly became progressively more controlling over me. They realized that they could easily cause me to have panic attacks by closing me in a room and blocking the door or blocking me in a corner. They used this knowledge to slowly breakdown my mental state until I was subservient to them. They did this whenever they noticed a change in my behavior and would often force answers out of me that fit their narrative. They would actually always find methods of cornering me, from literally cornering me to deciding to "talk" while I am on lunch. All forms were used would cause me to have an anxiety attack and simply cause me to just agree to whatever got me out of that situation. They slowly stopped this behavior when I basically just did whatever they said and they were able to slowly train me like a dog. It literally started becoming, do a task, good girl, here's a treat. And it caused me to just lose touch with my identity as I was basically only allowed to be the bits of myself that they liked, meaning putting so much of myself aside just for them. This is honestly one of the hardest things for me to type, let alone talk about. Deep down I want to believe this isn't true, but I know it is. After breaking up with them, roommates and friends started coming out of the woodwork to confirm that they had witness this happening, but were afraid that telling me would have only pushed me more to them...which is sadly a valid fear because that had happened before. Luckily this time I had help that was willing to drag me out of there, but I will be touching more on that in a bit.
So fast forward through the years as this all slowly becomes a norm and I just become more and more conditioned to it and stopping at last year. Last year I met my partner, Rhi. I met them through a friend of mine when she invited them over to play D&D with our D&D group. They second I saw them I was in love and I just needed them know more about them. As time went on and our friendship grew and we slowly learned more about each other, I slowly started to confide in them that I suspected my boyfriends were abusive. They started to keep an eye on those two and slowly started confirm my suspensions. Fast forward more until September when Rhi had to move in with us because they had lost their job due to medical reasons. After we started living together we finally confided in our love for each other and planned to have me breakup with my boyfriends, as I really didn't want to be with them at that point. I had more than confirmed their abusive behavior and already planned on moving out. Well it ended up backfiring and they cornered me into agreeing to date Rhi on the side, but stay with them. Which only resulted in them secretly abusing Rhi when I wasn't home and trying to break us up by pretending to be the victims. This resulted in my mental state completely falling apart as I no longer knew what to do anymore. I started lashing out like a trapped animal because I that's what I had become. I was trapped with two abusive boyfriends and a lover who was desperately trying to save me, while I was just trying to end myself. It was an extremely ugly couple of months and it's not something I am proud of. Years of abusive behavior and deep conditioning had basically rendered me to be almost completely lost, until one night last month. Last month I got fucking smashed trying to die again and told Rhi to just come over and force me out of there. Which is just what happened. they came over and helped me break up with my boyfriends, then took me to my friend's house. I've been at this house for nearly a month now recovering and safely away from those two. I've also had Rhi living us and help me get to and from work, as well just be a great partner through all of this. So it's been quite the past couple of months for me.
So what does this all have to do with the Temp? Timing, literally bad timing. An incident happened in November which resulted in me getting a warning, to which I was having none of that. I was already suffering from the early stages of my mental breakdown and that just didn't set well with me. So I lashed out and started a kerfuffle with the staff over this warning, which resulted in another warning. Being that I was about as stable as a broken chair, I overreacted to the entire situation and quit. Then the rest were just stages of my meltdown. I felt like I had no control over my own life, so I started acting out in situations where I felt like I could control. The more unstable I became, the more I wanted to control at least one part of my life and sadly the Temp became that part. It wasn't the responsible thing to do, it wasn't right of me to do any of that, and it wasn't healthy. I was attacking innocent people and the staff (who were in the right and just doing their job, might I add,) because I was unstable and my broken mental state believed that my actions could bring some stability to my life. In the end I ended up looking an asshole with 2 warnings and a month long suspension. But that did give me time to reflect on my actions and also spared the Temp anymore issues that would have been caused by my messy breakup. So good on the staff for noticing a problem and handling it to the best of their ability. That all being said though, I would like to publicly apologize to the Staff, @BORTZ in particular. My actions were not acceptable, they were not excusable, and you guys did the right thing, I was in the wrong. BORTZ you were doing your job and I hold the upmost respect for you, I shouldn't have lashed out at you like I did. I wasn't my situation properly and I shouldn't have made that the Temp's problem. Looking back I was acting extremely childish and foolish, the Staff made the right call to warn me and more so did the right thing by suspending me and effectively making me reflect on my actions.
So what's the future look like for me? Well Rhi and I are actually getting my old apartment and my exes are moving out of State. So we are getting a three bedroom apartment behind my workplace and going to be setting our own offices in two of the rooms and working on going to Japan in the future (Rhi's livelong dream.) I am currently studying Japanese with Rhi (who is almost fluent in Japanese.) I am also looking to going to college to study history and geology, two fields that I've spent years studying to begin with. I am also currently working some projects related to my Rpi3 and helping with some future 3DS projects. So life isn't looking too bad for me at this point and hopefully that will help lead me to a better state of mind. Hopefully the Temp will be able to see the real Crystal behind the Lilith account, the one who was lost for so many years. Thanks for reading and here's some Lilith art!
View attachment 117118
Awoooooo! Because while I was away, I decided to confirm that Lilith is half Wolf, half husky.
Help Roms To Heal 
