I wanted to wait until next month to make this blog, but I decided to push it a bit early because next month is going to be extremely busy with school, moving, work, and so on. I have free time now, so it's time I made this blog to explain what happened shortly after my last blog post in November. I didn't really want to make a blog post at first because it hurt more to talk about at the time, then decided not to make one until I was ready to move out of my apartment due to issues related to my past and a possible breach in my privacy. But I think I am ready now and it's time everything is said.
Shortly after that blog post (literally the next day actually) Rhi broke up with me. She didn't break up to hurt me, she did so because we were starting to become toxic for each other and she was afraid that if we continued that we would end up hurting each other in the long run. She was afraid that I was leaning on her for everything and that I couldn't succeed on my own if I continued to lean so heavily, coupled with simply my extremely horrible mindset. I wasn't healthy and she did damn near everything in his power to help me, so much so that is started to hurt, but I simply couldn't stop falling back into the panic. My exes poisoned the well and I kept drinking from it because I didn't know anything different. I didn't know how to be healthy, I didn't know how to maintain healthy relationships, I didn't know how to maintain a healthy lifestyle, so was basically parenting me towards the end and it broke her down...I broke her down. She loved me enough to realize that staying with me was just doing me more harm than good because I simply couldn't be healthy on my own, so she ended it before any more damages were done. We tried to make things work as friends and she tried to live here, but she ended up moving out last month. We are still trying to be friends, but it's stressful on both of us because we only want what's best for each other.
It's been some rather stressful months being mostly alone and eventually alone. I've been seeing a therapist for my PTSD caused by my exes and now to cope with the lose of Rhi. She's been an amazing help in my life and she's been able to really help get me back on my feet in a healthier manner. I've had to spend the past couple of months finally addressing some of what my exes did to me instead of struggling to cope. I've spent the other part of time studying psychology both for my classes and for personal reasons, which has helped me greatly understand what my exes were doing and the kinds of treatments I need to deal with the abuse I went through. I've basically had to spend most of my time, alone, very little time to give to my friends, and very little time to even myself. I've had to learn how to work through my painful thoughts, memories, and stress through healthier ways because I simply couldn't continue to rely on others to carry my burdens for me. I've basically been thrown into a situation where I needed to grow from what happened because I can't keep being hurt by them nor anything that happened in my past. I also can't fall on those I love because doing so only pushed them away from me. I've had to break my own chains this past couple of months and slowly stop finding comfort in the panic. Simply put, there is good nor is bad in this situation, there just is.
I don't want to end this on a bad note, so I will talk about my classes. I am currently a straight A student and my professor loves my papers and my contributions to the class discussions. She finds my writing style to be unique, insightful, engaging, and often just obtuse in a good way. I often look at things from a completely different angle and try to write from that angle, so my papers tend to focus on keeping on topic, but from a different perspective. Personally, I am pretty proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my classes thus far. I was able to work through some the darkest times in the past couple of months and was able to still work hard enough to continue to keep up my high grades, keep going to work and keep up with my therapy appointments. I didn't give up like I thought I was going to do back in November and that's something to be proud of.
The Lilith picture of the blog is a recent and very personal one. I came up with the idea when I was going through some of the worst parts of a couple of months and it ended up being created when I finally felt that I could appreciate the message I was trying to send through it. This one is titled, "Embrace yourself," and represents not only my struggles to cope with my past but accepting my past as well. The chains being a literal representation of the chains I felt holding me back as they are finally and slowly breaking away.
View attachment 157930
Shortly after that blog post (literally the next day actually) Rhi broke up with me. She didn't break up to hurt me, she did so because we were starting to become toxic for each other and she was afraid that if we continued that we would end up hurting each other in the long run. She was afraid that I was leaning on her for everything and that I couldn't succeed on my own if I continued to lean so heavily, coupled with simply my extremely horrible mindset. I wasn't healthy and she did damn near everything in his power to help me, so much so that is started to hurt, but I simply couldn't stop falling back into the panic. My exes poisoned the well and I kept drinking from it because I didn't know anything different. I didn't know how to be healthy, I didn't know how to maintain healthy relationships, I didn't know how to maintain a healthy lifestyle, so was basically parenting me towards the end and it broke her down...I broke her down. She loved me enough to realize that staying with me was just doing me more harm than good because I simply couldn't be healthy on my own, so she ended it before any more damages were done. We tried to make things work as friends and she tried to live here, but she ended up moving out last month. We are still trying to be friends, but it's stressful on both of us because we only want what's best for each other.
It's been some rather stressful months being mostly alone and eventually alone. I've been seeing a therapist for my PTSD caused by my exes and now to cope with the lose of Rhi. She's been an amazing help in my life and she's been able to really help get me back on my feet in a healthier manner. I've had to spend the past couple of months finally addressing some of what my exes did to me instead of struggling to cope. I've spent the other part of time studying psychology both for my classes and for personal reasons, which has helped me greatly understand what my exes were doing and the kinds of treatments I need to deal with the abuse I went through. I've basically had to spend most of my time, alone, very little time to give to my friends, and very little time to even myself. I've had to learn how to work through my painful thoughts, memories, and stress through healthier ways because I simply couldn't continue to rely on others to carry my burdens for me. I've basically been thrown into a situation where I needed to grow from what happened because I can't keep being hurt by them nor anything that happened in my past. I also can't fall on those I love because doing so only pushed them away from me. I've had to break my own chains this past couple of months and slowly stop finding comfort in the panic. Simply put, there is good nor is bad in this situation, there just is.
I don't want to end this on a bad note, so I will talk about my classes. I am currently a straight A student and my professor loves my papers and my contributions to the class discussions. She finds my writing style to be unique, insightful, engaging, and often just obtuse in a good way. I often look at things from a completely different angle and try to write from that angle, so my papers tend to focus on keeping on topic, but from a different perspective. Personally, I am pretty proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my classes thus far. I was able to work through some the darkest times in the past couple of months and was able to still work hard enough to continue to keep up my high grades, keep going to work and keep up with my therapy appointments. I didn't give up like I thought I was going to do back in November and that's something to be proud of.
The Lilith picture of the blog is a recent and very personal one. I came up with the idea when I was going through some of the worst parts of a couple of months and it ended up being created when I finally felt that I could appreciate the message I was trying to send through it. This one is titled, "Embrace yourself," and represents not only my struggles to cope with my past but accepting my past as well. The chains being a literal representation of the chains I felt holding me back as they are finally and slowly breaking away.
View attachment 157930
