The girl behind Lilith

Let’s start off at what I was hiding after my ex left me and moved out of my apartment. I really wasn’t handling the loneliness very well, it wasn’t the lack of her but the lack of any social contact. Despite my ex’s best efforts, I really struggled to reconnect to a lot of my friends that were pushed away by my abusers. I lacked social skills because making friends was a pointless endeavor with my abusers, I felt like I lacked friends, I hated my life. Every day would just consist of me waking up, making a small meal (normally cheap ramen or something from a can,) followed by a few energy drinks, and finally enough painkillers to keep me completely numb before doing my schoolwork and heading to work. Returning from work was followed by a cheap meal, more painkillers, schoolwork, then drinking until I passed out on my couch. I hated my life, I hated myself, I wanted to feel nothing and just die. My life felt like a complete joke to me, with my suffering being the punchline. I spent 10 years of my life living in an abusive relationship, where I forced to be poly with my abuser’s boyfriend, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my abuser whenever I got blackout drunk, abused to the point where I gave up my life. After years of abuse, suicide attempts, and losing everything, I got a year of happiness. It felt like a sick fucking joke and I hated myself for not only screwing up Rhi with my toxicity but fucking up everyone and everything around me. I didn’t know how to be well, I didn’t know how not to hurt people, I didn’t know how to live a comfortable life. The only life I knew was abuse and to push people away with any means possible. I wanted to just die, not kill myself because I gave up on trying that after being successful twice and being brought back. I just wanted to fucking die alone, stop the suffering, stop hurting others, stop hurting myself, just die. I hid my pain behind drugs and alcohol, I hid by putting on the same bright happy character that I played when I was being abused, I cut everyone out that got close, and hurt those who refused to leave. After years of abuse, I knew only abuse and nothing more. I couldn’t even manage to cry back then. I never thought I would have lived like this and nor did I ever realize the mess I had turned myself into because of a few bad moves. I kept living in the same apartment where I had been abused for years. One can’t heal when living in the same place that hurts them so much. I refused to let help be effective. I was going to therapy but I was never fully honest with her and kept most of the darkness tucked away. I never talked about the fact that I was having sex with people who should have just been my friends as a means of getting drugs, alcohol, and just some kind of human connection. I didn’t tell anyone the horrible things I was doing to myself just to feel either nothing or something. I kept pretending I was recovering when I was slowly just getting worse. I just wanted so badly to be the person I was pretending to be, that I did everything to hide who I was from everyone.

After months of living this way, I decided in a last-ditch attempt to save myself, I needed to move out and in with my friend. I also decided it was time to reconnect with someone who tried to save me so many years ago, a girl named Aryia. Aryia was actually someone I met through Pokémon Go and friend of my friend Alex. She was a rather mysterious player that most battled with alongside other players or was only ever seen in our gyms (Team Instinct,) but no one really ever saw her. One night we happened to see her battling with us and she just happened to drive in front of us and we were able to follow her to the next gym. Which allowed us to meet and start talking as she followed us around to take over the rest of the town.

Later that night she added me on Facebook and messaged me with, "Not to get too personal, but are you trans? Because I am trans and would like someone to talk to." We started talking from there, I helped her some of her questions and stuff, which we really bonded on both being trans girls.

Fast forward a few months of talking and spending time together, she started noticing something was off about me and my life. She eventually was able to get me to confide in her that I was being abused and wanted out of my forced poly relationship. So she started helping me with the process of leaving those two.

A few weeks go by of her helping and the 2016 elections roll around. I messaged her that day and asked her to come over because I was lonely and scared. I wasn't so much scared of the election but scared because my abusers were literally harassing me about something and isolating me the entire time. So she came over to comfort me, which resulted in her putting her hand on my leg and patting my back when she noticed I was upset. This upset my abusers, who threatened her after I had gone to bed. A few weeks later, they took my phone while I was sleep and found my messages to her. I was forced to block her and cut her out of my life. Shortly after that, Rhi came into my life. Still feeling hurt by what happened to Aryia, I set forth to never have that happen again. This allowed Rhi to break them away from me and the rest was my year-long relationship with Rhi.

It goes without repeating that my ex broke up with me which lead to a few months of me living alone. One night at work something told me to message Aryia. I stopped what I was doing, unblocked her, and sent her a message asking her if she wanted to talk to me again. She eventually agreed to talk, we met in the bar next to my apartment complex and spent a few hours there. She later went to my apartment, saw that I was literally completely alone and with next to no food, and decided to help because she felt bad for me.

Months of struggling went by after that because I was alone, unable to afford my apartment, working full-time, full-time college student, and all of the already mentioned struggles. She was there helping me out and keeping me company, mostly just cooking some food for me, and or giving me someone to hold as I struggled to cope with loneliness.

When the time finally came, I moved out of my apartment and in with my friend and eventually started my hormones. A few weeks went by as small changes happened, until one night. One night I was on Facebook cleaning up all of the literal hundreds of chaser friend requests that I was getting until I found the request I got from my friend who died of breast cancer. I ended up suffering a complete mental and emotional breakdown, that was worsened from years of repression and the new hormones in my body. Coupled with the simple fact that I opted to stop with the drugs, drastically reduce my drinking, and started suffering through some pretty bad withdraws. I ended up texting Aryia and told her that I was feeling extremely lonely and needed her help. She quickly came from Kentucky to my place and picked me up. She found me stumbling around the streets because I honestly just needed to leave and ended up at a church in my town that is a Gym in Pokémon Go. She picked me up and listened to me as I just melted down in her car as we were heading back to help her drunk friend, who later called me, "The Cooler Aryia." From there, she took us to wandered around Cincinnati and let me compose myself, organize my thoughts, and relax a little before heading back to my place where we spent the morning cuddling on my couch and watching youtube together. That was the first time I felt anything in years and the first time I realized just how much I wanted more of her in my life. She forgave me, even though I couldn’t even forgive myself, she still forgave me for cutting her out of my life all those years ago.

After weeks of us playing with the idea of dating, she ended up taking a trip down to see her friends in Texas. Two things ended up happening while she was down there. The first, being that she didn’t have much fun and ended up really unhappy with her experiences with her friends. The second being that I ended up seriously missing her and spent most of my time talking to her more because I wasn’t quite sure what my newly found feelings were. Going from emotionally dead to completely alive overnight is a rather jarring feeling to happen to me. I ended up just spending most of my time flirting with her and spamming her with memes, eventually resulting in me asking her to go on a date via a meme, this meme to be correct

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To my surprise, she actually took me up on that offer and we had our date set for when she got back from Texas. It was a lovely date where we got expensive sushi and ramen, then ventured about for the day together. We got really close and really kindled a deep love for each other that we both knew was there but were just waiting for one of us to act on those feelings. Moral of the story, I was being a useless lesbian. Now I am a happy lesbian ^-^

I am not sure how many people might remember this, but I was born and raised in the state of Massachusetts. I actually moved half-way across the country to live with my now ex-boyfriend/abuser. I hadn’t seen my family for over 9 years due to my abusers just being shit people and controlling my money. This is why the first thing I did was start planning to visit my family the second I was freed. A lot of setbacks kept preventing the trip from happening, but eventually, I was able to save up enough money to buy some tickets to travel to see my family for my own birthday. Aryia helped pay for a lot of the expenses, despite not being able to go due to me having bought the tickets long before we got together and she was still struggling a bit to pay off her previous trip. She was still more than willing to help me see through with my plans and see my family again. After months of planning, saving, and going from bus to bus for nearly 24 hours, there was I, finally back home again. After 9 years, there I stood in my home town again. It felt strange remembering that I was only 19 when I left and so eager to see the world. I spent nearly two weeks up in Massachusetts and learned a lot about myself while I was there. There were some depressing realities that I had to face while I was there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I finally saw my family and friends again. I finally committed to something and saw it through. After years of living through so much, I finally realized that my suffering wasn’t the punchline. I finally realized that I could move forward and that I could accomplish so much more in life. After I left Massachusetts and returned home, Aryia and I started planning on getting a place together. We both knew it was time for us to move forward together and that’s what we are doing now. We have our apartment together and we’ve started our new life in our little starter apartment. I am actually happy to be alive and eager to see what the future brings, no matter the results. I may not be completely better, but I am recovering and for once, I mean that.

So I should really add an update for my character, which is to say that Lilith has been changed or reverted to her demon form. My characters were actually always one character, an unnamed shapeshifting succubus that was later named “Lilith Valentine” after her last form. I created this concept long before I even had art for her and when she was still “Crystal the Glaceon.” I came up with this idea of a regenerating character because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, but I didn’t want to make something stupid like “She’s a Time Lord!” or something like that. So instead I based her off Bible references of Satan and other demons shapeshifting, being the lazy Satanist that I am. Her design was made by Bub during a time when a Succubus character was really popular on a few sites and that design later became the official “base form” for Lilith. Now the reason I made her revert back to demon form was jokingly because she escaped from Area 51, but it’s actually because I felt the need for Lilith to reflect a different form of change. Despite still being a character, this is her true form. I felt that she needed to be more of a self-reflection of me, to be her true self and happier as a result. Even if I make her take on a different form, this is the form I need the most for me right now. This is a remake of Bub’s art done by a friend of mine on Facebook.
Bub's original design
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Remake
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Drawn by Aryia
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