This is one of those blog posts that we’ve restarted repeatedly since last month. It’s strangely been one of the few that seems like it should have been simple but somehow we just kept deleting it and restarting. It’s like the topic of what defines one’s sexuality and gender can become messy due to countless different reasons. Over the years, I’ve come out as everything from a gay male to pansexual, to a lesbian, and back to pansexual. The same has been applied to my gender. Be it either as an individual or a collective in a DID system, the topic of gender and sexuality has always been a complicated mess. I guess the simple answer is that having multiple personalities means things get complicated and that does make some sense. But each identity is still just part of an individual, even if personified differently. Each one is still an aspect of the one person before becoming a system. So I guess I am just gender fluid and pansexual? That’s really the simplest way to describe me and I think that’s how I would be if parts of my identity weren’t fractured off and doing their own thing. Yet I keep asking myself, “What am I?” as if the question hasn’t already been answered? Maybe I am just longing for a simple response or maybe it’s some level of dissociation? We’re never quite sure which one is the answer but each day it seems like we get closer to accepting the answers we’ve been processing through. Accepting that gender isn’t always simple for everyone. Maybe accept that as an intersex individual, my sex is never going to make sense one way or another. We’ve spent so much time just trying to figure things out but avoiding some of the most simple answers. Spending too much time struggling with something most people just kind of accept. Seriously, we’ve spent months accepting ourselves as mostly being masc leaning and everyone was just like, “Oh, you prefer being called a boy and using he/they pronouns? Duly noted and respected.” It was literally that easy and we spent months internally debating and struggling with accepting this about ourselves. Yet somehow everyone else just accepts each change we’ve made as figure things out for ourselves. I think the truth be told is that I’ve been the one overcomplicating my situation. Maybe it’s easier to accept than we realized. It seems we’ve simply internalized much of the anxiety caused by the transphobia and homophobia that we’ve experienced over the years. I guess we just need to catch up with the changing world that we live in because seems things have gotten a lot better over the years. Answer the question “what am I?” A simple answer is that my sex is intersex, my gender is gender fluid, and my sexuality is pansexual. I prefer to be more masculine but often lean closer to femboy with a preference for dating other trans and non-binary folks. I am a bit of a wordy mess but I don’t think that’s at all a problem anymore. In fact, I am starting to enjoy the fact that I finally have the terms to better describe myself.
It's been a minute since we've added a Lilith picture and I think this one best suits this blog post
Art by my amazing and lovely wife, @FatalAryia
It's been a minute since we've added a Lilith picture and I think this one best suits this blog post
Art by my amazing and lovely wife, @FatalAryia
