So I decided on a gift for my girlfriend

[quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 04:08 PM']I decided to write a poem to give to her on Christmas day. Along with a story. Here is the poem I wrote. I need genuine feed back, not some bullshit telling me what I believe is wrong. I also need serious comments, and not the shit you see in the EOF (as well as the other part of the forums but oh well). So here goes nothing, because at the slightest bullshit I will lock this, and the people who actually want to provide genuine feedback may do so through PM.


Your beauty so bold and bright
Puts the stars to shame shining in the night
He hath understood my plight
He hath delivered me with his right

On this day going into the night
I see you in the light so bright
This night he was born for your right
To save you from your plight

As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us

I may add to it, but I feel like it is great as it is.[/quote]

When I read it this is all i get:
"night... plight... night... plight... right.."
Use different words in the second paragraph.
Also who is "he" that is mentioned in the 1st paragraph? And unless she's a dork, the hath must go.

[quote name='Saken' post='3310677' date='Dec 5 2010, 11:13 PM']When I read it this is all i get:
"night... plight... night... plight... right.."
Use different words in the second paragraph.
Also who is "he" that is mentioned in the 1st paragraph? And unless she's a dork, the hath must go.[/quote]
I don't usually use repetition in my poems, but for the most part it's symbolic. I had several different things I could have put there, so I may see if I can use a similar word set that rhymes at the end. Also "he" stands for Jesus Christ, which is why I so vehemently flaunted lock.

I see no problem with the "hath"
I'm assuming the "He" is a deity figure.
And yeah, it gets pretty redundant with the repeated usage of words across two short stanzas.
My recommendation: rhyming couplets.
Rhyme the first two sentences.
Then change the rhyme in the next couplet.
Return to the original rhyme in the third pairing,
lather, rinse, repeat.

Try it.

[quote name='Vulpes Abnocto' post='3310683' date='Dec 5 2010, 11:20 PM']I see no problem with the "hath"
I'm assuming the "He" is a deity figure.
And yeah, it gets pretty redundant with the repeated usage of words across two short stanzas.
My recommendation: rhyming couplets.
Rhyme the first two sentences.
Then change the rhyme in the next couplet.
Return to the original rhyme in the third pairing,
lather, rinse, repeat.

Try it.[/quote]
Like I said it was mostly symbolism, it didn't sound right to me either. *Thinks harder*

EDIT: Decided on something a previous English teacher liked. Two stanzas, 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, and the second stanza has the same lines rhyme with the same rhyme. If I decide to add two more stanzas, then they both rhyme in the same way. However If there are a 3rd set, these will have the 1st and 3rd lines rhyme.

Dude, this is awesome. Few guys can think beyond the usual "shop-wrap-give" tradition. Hope she appreciates it.

And yeah, I'd tend to agree with VA.

Anyway, all the luck.

[quote name='Shinigami357' post='3310774' date='Dec 6 2010, 12:37 AM']Dude, this is awesome. Few guys can think beyond the usual "shop-wrap-give" tradition. Hope she appreciates it.

And yeah, I'd tend to agree with VA.

Anyway, all the luck.[/quote]
I agree with him too. It still needs a load of revision. I still need to write a story as well, and get her those socks. >.> Honestly, socks. :0

Capitalise the H in He so we know who you're talking about it.

What about a **** in a box?
lol it's a thing from a song
EDIT: Oh and Hath sounds kind of weird.

[quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 04:08 PM']Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right

As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight[/quote]
Writing student here and I must say it is quite good. I am not much of a poetry writer myself but it is nice. The only issue I have with it is that a lot of it is cliched. I know cliches exist for a reason but sometimes they are too numerous that they remove some of the originality from the piece. That said, you imagery is nice and your intent is clear. She will be impressed, I can tell but maybe try giving it a kick of originality so that it really stands out as an uncommon metaphor or a strange (but fitting) piece of imagery can make the difference between a good and great piece of writing.
Sorry if i have been harsh or anything as I dont want to diminish the work you have put into this.

EDIT: Also, I just noticed what VA said and i just want to point out that though rhyming can work, if it isnt natural, it looks horrible. You would be better to get rid of rhyming all togther if you feel it is shoehorned in as some of the best poetry doesnt rhyme at all. Just another thought.

[quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 06:08 AM']Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right

As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight

As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us[/quote]
Nice poem, well worded. I like the way you have the poem set in the fading light. Well done, a lot better than my present for my girlfriend ( A dinner in the restaurant where I first met her)

[quote name='Ireland 1' post='3311052' date='Dec 6 2010, 11:18 PM'][quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 06:08 AM']Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right

As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight

As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us[/quote]
Nice poem, well worded. I like the way you have the poem set in the fading light. Well done, a lot better than my present for my girlfriend ( A dinner in the restaurant where I first met her)
[/quote]
Dont put yourself down Ireland 1. Your gift has memories tied to it. If I was smart,I would have done something like that but instead, I got mine a big framed Pink thing since she is a huge fan. No emotional/sentimental value at all. Both you ans Sterl are going to kill it on christmas.

[quote name='Edgedancer' post='3311056' date='Dec 6 2010, 01:24 PM'][quote name='Ireland 1' post='3311052' date='Dec 6 2010, 11:18 PM'][quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 06:08 AM']
Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right

As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight

As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us[/quote]
Nice poem, well worded. I like the way you have the poem set in the fading light. Well done, a lot better than my present for my girlfriend ( A dinner in the restaurant where I first met her)
[/quote]
Dont put yourself down Ireland 1. Your gift has memories tied to it. If I was smart,I would have done something like that but instead, I got mine a big framed Pink thing since she is a huge fan. No emotional/sentimental value at all. Both you ans Sterl are going to kill it on christmas.
[/quote]
Thanks for the boost of confidence Edgedancer. I certinaly hope she'll like it.

[quote name='Ireland 1' post='3311062' date='Dec 6 2010, 06:32 AM'][quote name='Edgedancer' post='3311056' date='Dec 6 2010, 01:24 PM'][quote name='Ireland 1' post='3311052' date='Dec 6 2010, 11:18 PM'][quote name='Sterl500' post='3310672' date='Dec 6 2010, 06:08 AM']
Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right

As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight

As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us[/quote]
Nice poem, well worded. I like the way you have the poem set in the fading light. Well done, a lot better than my present for my girlfriend ( A dinner in the restaurant where I first met her)
[/quote]
Dont put yourself down Ireland 1. Your gift has memories tied to it. If I was smart,I would have done something like that but instead, I got mine a big framed Pink thing since she is a huge fan. No emotional/sentimental value at all. Both you ans Sterl are going to kill it on christmas.
[/quote]
Thanks for the boost of confidence Edgedancer. I certinaly hope she'll like it.
[/quote]
Thanks both of you. That makes me feel a bit better. Also, I know it's clichéd, but she is a hardcore Christian, so she appreciates these clichés. I also decided to draw a picture of her from one of our previous dates. I can call it one of my best realistic works.