Something I wanted to share with you.

I've been thinking of this story that I've had in my mind. It's been bugging me so I decided to put it in words. Could you tell me what you think?

“Do not compare me to him!”

Two people were fighting. All around them, barren wasteland stood in there wake before them. The white moon was shining bright as the two fought. Both were holding stones in their hands. Both were gleaming, though they were not alone. One other man lay dead on the ground, blood spilling from his body. He was also holding a stone as well, but it looked as though when he died, so did the stone. It was green, but a darker shade of green that looked dull and sullied. No light was emitting from it.

“Compare? You’re just like him! I can barely tell the difference between you two!” Said the man with a laugh, “When I made him, I made sure to take ever aspect of you and put him it in him. All that is him is you. You can not deny this."

The man that was talking stone was gleaming black. Darkness seem to surge though it. The man himself looked as though he was put through horrible things. His face was as cold as ice. His black, lifeless eyes bored into you has you looked into. He face was deprived of all life except the grin that was smirk on his face.

“He his you identical brother, even if he’s not the most popular…..He died like a fool though. He always was the fool. Or rather, the annoying fool.,,,”

At the sound of this, the man lifted up his stone and pointed it at him. The stone red color came bursting through it like a beam of light. As it went towards the other man, it left a red streak in its wake. Though the other man had simply laughed as the red beam had just bounce off him.

“So, you’ve actually learned how to use them, how cute….”

The man raised his stone and pointed it at him, though no beam came out. Instead, the other man started to cry out in agony. He dropped his stone, and fell to his knees.

“But, you’re using of this power is quite non-productive. Though…..killing you now would not be fair would it? You no nothing of the power you yield. Unlike your brother. He may have died a fool, but at least he had the decency to put up somewhat of a fight.”

The man slowly came over to him, his black robes moving briskly with the wind. The man tried to move, but every time he tried, his body convulsed with pain. The man came up to him, picking up the stone he had dropped. He examined it as he talked to him.
“I just can’t see how you could have been chosen when you don’t even know the basics. Though, I see something inside of you. Some sort of power left…..locked inside.”

The man motioned him to get up. He got up, but not with moaning over the pain he was feeling.

“That pain you’re feeling, it hurts doesn’t it? It’s the pain I always have to deal with everyday since I was born, cursed with this…..deformed body…..I remember all of those people laughing at me….”

The man clenched his stone more firmly and turned his back on the man, which in turn made the other man scream in pain. There seem to be stretch marks appearing on his arm.

“I wanted to rip them limb to limb,” Said the man in a cold voice “And when I found them, oh did they suffer…..And I enjoyed every single second of killing them….It was like a form of therapy for me.”

The man loosens his hold on the stone and the man is relived to be released from his pain, though the stretch mark was embroiled onto his arm. It was searing as though someone had cut him and out salt on his arm.

“But, that’s the past and this is the present. Now that one of the 4 heroes prophesied to defeat me is dead, all I have to do is kill you and the others……but, I want a challenge out of you. I want the satisfaction of killing you all at once, and to be at least decent in fighting, so I will let you live…for now.”

The man pointed at the man again with his stone, but now something came out of it. I little black spear like thing came out of it and hit the man in the neck. The man felt numbness over took him as he fell to the ground. As he closed his eyes, he could see what looked like clouds coming down in a whirlpool sort of way, covering the man. Then in a split second, the wind died down, and the man was gone.

Comments

Explain:
[p= ]The man that was talking stone was gleaming black.
He his you identical brother,[/p]

I think you should define more who is the man and the "other" man. or emphasize more who is the main man mentioned in a line.
[p= ]At the sound of this, the man lifted up his stone and pointed it at him. The stone red color came bursting through it like a beam of light. As it went towards the other man, it left a red streak in its wake. Though the other man had simply laughed as the red beam had just bounce off him.

“So, you’ve actually learned how to use them, how cute….”

The man raised his stone and pointed it at him, though no beam came out. Instead, the other man started to cry out in agony. He dropped his stone, and fell to his knees.[/p]
or better yet. make a distinctive mark for each person, like the tall dark man, one with the scarred face or the man in white.

Overall? 4/5

i'm not a very good critic but i enjoy reading books. and while reading this you really got me hooked. why not make a short story, and send me a copy.
 

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Nujui
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