poem

Some guy I know wrote this poem for some girl

"Her hair falls across her shoulders
The black silk waterfall
It crushes me inside,
my body is in turmoil

That smile of bright sunshine
It warms everything that recieves it
And when that's me,
i become so much more than i am

She loves that fender
But not as much as i love her
What i'd do for her,
anything, anything

I'd love to hear her play
If it's anything like i imagine
the feelings it would expose
like the wind scouring away at a clifface"

What do you lot think of it. I'm not a fan at all.

Comments

Shinigami357
Freestyle poetry, right? I have a firm belief that if you're to write about love, then there are no rules, just express your emotion the way you see best. Though I have to say, the first two stanzas are better, IMHO. Props to the dude who wrote it.
 
KingdomBlade
Very expressive. The literary value barely even matters, it's the emotion that's intended to be expressed here. Great work (at the guy who wrote this).
 
Shinigami357
Anyone else think that "some guy I know wrote this poem for some girl" is "I wrote this poem for some girl" in L-Lawliet code? Or are all shinigami just paranoid bout anyone with that name? [been studying the post for, like, 2 minutes]
 
LunaWofl
[quote name='SamAsh07' post='3601188' date='Apr 20 2011, 05:57 PM']NO matter what we all say, that girl must've loved this poem.[/quote]

A poem this shallow, why, I do ever so wonder.
 
SamAsh07
[quote name='FrozenIndignation' post='3601514' date='Apr 20 2011, 04:02 PM'][quote name='SamAsh07' post='3601188' date='Apr 20 2011, 05:57 PM']NO matter what we all say, that girl must've loved this poem.[/quote]

A poem this shallow, why, I do ever so wonder.
[/quote]
A woman will appreciate any gift in which her man has "devoted his time" in making/writing it just for her.

Of course the offending ones aren't included in the above statement.
 
retKHAAAN
[quote name='Shinigami357' post='3601231' date='Apr 20 2011, 04:58 AM']Freestyle poetry, right? I have a firm belief that if you're to write about love, then there are no rules, just express your emotion the way you see best. Though I have to say, the first two stanzas are better, IMHO. Props to the dude who wrote it.[/quote]

This.

And to all of the knobs who have something negative to say like "I could do better", "meh...", and "it's shallow"...show us some of your work ;)
There's a delicate balance between saying what you want to say and sounding pretentious/contrived. I'd like for some of the "better" poets here to show us what a "good" poem looks like ;)


...and holy necro-bump OP :P
 
Ikki
[quote name='L-Lawliet' post='3896517' date='Sep 20 2011, 11:00 PM']It wasn't me that wrote this poem. The two weren't in love or anything.

Also, bump.[/quote]
 

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