To Forgive

[quote name='Prophet' post='1795833' date='Feb 24 2009, 03:40 PM'][*]This pattern has repeated 4 or 5 times my entire life and equates to the extent our relationship.[/quote]
Can he prove to you it won't happen again?

Probably not. It's almost inevitable. He's 59 this is the ebb and flow of his life. A continuous roller coaster of highs followed by lows, followed by brief periods of lucidity and sobriety... but it never lasts. I don't expect it to change, I can only change the way I deal with it.

Sounds to me bro that its up to him to make the effort, not you.

Give him a chance to make up for the past, you should just sit back and see if he has changed for the better. If he has in fact turned himself around, forgive him at some point. But its really not down to you to prove anything to him, or take even the smallest amount of blame for the way his life turned out.

Well, that might be what you have to tell him. Let him know that if he ever drops off the wagon again, then you are out of his life, no matter the reason. If he loves you, there is no reason he would be angry at that kind of response, and if he gets pissed, then he is just an extremely selfish person and you have no need for him in your life.

If he can't benefit you in any way (personally/emotionally... not money or free things), then there is no reason to try and keep him around. It would only drag you down.

I agree with the people above my post.

(I have a similar father)

You just have to find out, if he is changed and if so, you can give him another chance.

That's brutal, man. I suppose at some point, for your own well being, you're going to have to forgive him. But that doesn't mean you have to let him back into your life.

I've been through a similar relationship with one of my brothers (not the same, I know). I guess if you think he deserves it, you should give him another chance, keep him at arm's length, and make him earn your trust. If he really does work to regain your trust, then maybe he has changed enough to be a part of your life.

It probably goes without saying, but whatever you do, keep money out of it.

Good luck to you Prophet.

[quote name='WildWon' post='1795853' date='Feb 24 2009, 09:52 PM']Well, that might be what you have to tell him. Let him know that if he ever drops off the wagon again, then you are out of his life, no matter the reason. If he loves you, there is no reason he would be angry at that kind of response, and if he gets pissed, then he is just an extremely selfish person and you have no need for him in your life.

If he can't benefit you in any way (personally/emotionally... not money or free things), then there is no reason to try and keep him around. It would only drag you down.[/quote]
I second that

Thanks for the advice guys. The worst part about it all is I really just pity him at this point. I'm 21, with kids around (not my own) who depend deeply on me. I'm finally past the "where's daddy" phase and now I have to figure how much of my mental resources can I devote to him. It's hard to straddle the line between supportive and emotionally invested, you know? He was deported to Spain for possession of drugs (surprise) and our recent contact has been by phone, but he has already alluded to trying to make it back to the states. Why? So he can relapse or worst, die around me?

I guess I'll be the odd one out. You see, I have a similar father. My parents got divorced when I was 7. He was an verbally-abusive asshole to my mother, so I shed no tears when he left. He spent several years floating around me and my sister, always trash-talking my mother and my step-father. When I was around 9 years old, he even went as far as trying to make me hate Jewish people because he's a sworn anti-Semitic douchebag. Luckily, he just vanished one day and I haven't heard about him since.

If I were you, I wouldn't give him another chance. People can't be allowed to keep on hurting those around them and expect forgiveness afterwards. Like Szyslak said, forgiving him doesn't imply that you'll have to welcome him with arms wide open. You can make peace with him and move on. If you REALLY think he means what he's saying, go ahead and take a chance on the relation... but always remember what he's done and what to expect. That way you won't be as hurt if he ends up screwing up everything once again.

Give him "tough love", if he really wants to be make it up to you then you got to tell him like WildWon said, that if he ever starts falling off the wagon again then just to stop all communication with him forever.

You might just have to get that through to him so he will finally get off drugs and maybe make a turn around.

Has he tried rehab?

you gotta do what you think is right

You are an adult, if I were you, I would treat him as another adult. A family member to be sure, but he hasn't been a "dad" so I would refrain from treating him as such. I wouldn't make any demands on him, or expect anything from him. If he shapes up, breaks his cycle, you can go from there.. but I would not expect that to happen. In the meantime, try to have civil discourse and give him the respect you would give any other adult in your family.

He missed the part of your life that creates a bond, so he may have the urge to try and reclaim it, but that won't be possible because it is past, that window is closed. His only option now is to get to know you as the adult that you are. That in itself can be a very good thing, it just requires a totally different mindset on both your parts.

The key word here is "adult", don't forget that, and don't let him forget it, and you may be able to forge a path that will be based on your present circumstances and not your past.

I hope that made some sense. Good luck man.

[quote name='cupajoe' post='1796439' date='Feb 24 2009, 08:34 PM']Has he tried rehab?[/quote]

Yeah that's part of his cycle. Gets clean. Gets preachy about how everyone else should be cleaner. Fills with pride at being the cleanest. Celebrates accomplishment with a drink or whatever else is on hand. Falls into addiction. Rinse repeat.

[quote name='mthrnite' post='1796499' date='Feb 24 2009, 08:52 PM']You are an adult, if I were you, I would treat him as another adult. A family member to be sure, but he hasn't been a "dad" so I would refrain from treating him as such. I wouldn't make any demands on him, or expect anything from him. If he shapes up, breaks his cycle, you can go from there.. but I would not expect that to happen. In the meantime, try to have civil discourse and give him the respect you would give any other adult in your family.

He missed the part of your life that creates a bond, so he may have the urge to try and reclaim it, but that won't be possible because it is past, that window is closed. His only option now is to get to know you as the adult that you are. That in itself can be a very good thing, it just requires a totally different mindset on both your parts.

The key word here is "adult", don't forget that, and don't let him forget it, and you may be able to forge a path that will be based on your present circumstances and not your past.

I hope that made some sense. Good luck man.[/quote]

Yeah, that seems like the proper stance. Thank you mthrnite. I'll have to be sure that in my pity, I don't accidentally lead him to think the past can be reclaimed.

Sounds like exactly the same relationship I've had with my dad.
My mom kicked him out too when I was around 4 years old, for his alcohol abuse.
Last time I saw him was 4-5 years ago..he was suffering from cancer.

I'm not angry at him. I just don't care for him any more.

I don't see why you should give him the opportunity to get to know you..his loss, I would say.
Why form a relationship with someone if they were never there for you? Instead of help raising and getting to know you, he chose to do drugs and leave all the parenting to your mother.

I can kind of relate to what you're going through but can't at the same time. My Mom never kicked my old man out but my entire childhood he was a drug addict and a drunk. Up until about 5 years ago I would've said to just turn your back on the cunt and leave him to his ways but my Dad's done a complete 180. He's still an alcoholic but he's not a drunk and he's not a drug addict any more. So they can turn their lives around, it's just how badly they want it. I'd say don't burn your bridges but don't get too close unless you see him changing.

Hmmm take up Judo, Taek won do or Karate and teach him a lesson or two.