Yeah, sooo this was published in my college newspaper acouple years back but I recently found it on my computer and thought it was the type of stuff I would enjoy reposting for you all to see. Enjoy.
Breaking News on Vending Machine Condoms
It only costs a dollar. There are two in a package. Each individually cost 50 cents to the consumer. So what are you playing for, piece of mind? No. A piece of latex. The answer is vending machine condoms. Yes, I was astonished to learn they existed when I first ventured onto this campus last semester and my fascination with them just won’t leave me. There they were, in Sloth food center, In Kelly too. They stand on the highest tier of vending machine racks just waiting for the college average college student to stumble up drunkenly and in haste mash the correct combination of two buttons to retrieve the product. A plain white box with big bold black print displaying the daring word “Condoms” is dispensed. The combination of the grease in the air, the dollar in my hand and the fact that I had never seen vending machine condoms before was a lethal concoction. So, like the giggling buffoon I was brought up to be, I engaged myself in investigating these rubbers.
It was a less then fateful day when I bought them, looking over my shoulder to see some snickering Burger King food patrons eying my selection. I turned away from the machine with a sly look of self-satisfaction which condoms aren’t usually associated with, at least not until used. Already I decided the dollar was well spent.
My first step to investigating these condoms was to examine the box itself. Merch-A-Vend was the company responsible for supplying us with these anonymously packaged contraceptives. Immediately a googling was in order. The company based out of Orlando Florida specializes in selling pre-packaged assorted products in vending machine dispensable packages. They sell everything from panty hose to playing cards. But you can’t judge a book by its cover or a condom by it’s box.
I was actually relieved to find that, no, Merch-a-vend does not have their own Merch-a-vend brand condoms. Instead I was greeting by the purple wrapper of Mr.Happy’s Hat brand. The logo presented is yellow smiley face (Mr. Happy I presume), wearing a cap, and sticking his tongue out. And to my surprise the condom company went the extra mile to supply me with a red condom and a light blue one as well. I’m still having trouble deciding which color would be more flattering. Did I miss something on the significance of color? I hope not. So now armed with a new brand name I decided to pay this Mr. Happy a visit…google style.
I found my pleasant yellow friend at his very own company website, everything has a website these days. It seems like Mr. Happy really knows his stuff. The proper use section of the site has the directions for use, in middle school sex-ed style display. Props. The Mr.Happy’s Hat company also offers a variety of condom choices. Colors and scents and flavors oh my! But what is a condom without some stoppage power? For this I insisted on checking out the quality section of the website. Mr.Happy is proud to say that he is under the ever-watchful eye of the FDA and assures his customers that he uses only the highest quality latex rubber in making his condoms.
Consulting the FDA website on condom information was a much easier task then expected. By this point in the article I know I am taking this investigation way too seriously, but I continue in the spirit of making acouple good penis jokes. According to the Food and Drug Administration “Manufacturers spot check their condoms using a water-leak test. FDA inspectors do a smilar test on sample condoms they take from warehouses. The condoms are filled with water and checked for leaks. An average of 996 of 1000 condoms must pass this test.” The ill spelling of similar in the previous sentence is purely FDA’s fault. But I trust them with the future of my un-children. I assume that the scientific sounding “water-leak test” is the same used by every kid who is strapped for water balloons on a hot summer day. The percent of failure for the water-leak test condoms is on average .4%. Any batch that fails 5 condoms out of 1000 test the FDA dicktates as unfit to sell. I assume the FDA would really give it really hard to a company that failed to produce reliable condoms. And the company would have no choice but to take it, take it good. What is good enough for the FDA sales is good enough for me, which is why I chain smoke cigarettes. Please observe inherent irony.
Needless to say the FDA has probably poisoned me a million times over in ways I don’t even know about yet. This thought has inspired me to do my very own condom tests. No animals will be harmed. The condoms in my experiment will be the Mr.Happy’s Hat brand condoms, which are supplied by the Sloth Dining hall vending machine. The methods of testing that I will use are the water-leak test and the tensile test i.e. Stretch test followed by the balloon animal test. For the water test I will fill the condom with 10 ounces of water, the same amount that the FDA uses. The condom will spring a leak if a hole is present. A separate condom will be subjected to the stretch test in which I will, well, stretch the condom, and then blow it up and twist it into the shape of a small doggie. The cutest contraceptive you will ever see. And if non of that breaks the condoms…I’ll just put them on someone’s windshield and take a picture. Here goes.
The first condom, big red I’ll call it, smells of a dentist’s glove and is lightly lubricated. With the help of a squirt capped Poland spring bottle I force 10 ounces of water into big red. After tying off the end and playing joyfully for longer then I care to mention here I give up on the idea that the condom might have a hole. Big red was quite the trooper and I only wish we could have met on better circumstances. One test down, one to go. No-baby-blue is the condom I choose for my stretch and blow test. It too smells of a dentist and feels just greasy enough for a good time. With the condom fully unraveled I proceed to stretch it in every direction possible, when I am satisfied that nothing short of a horse could have done a better job then myself I allow it to be inflated. No-baby-blue is about the size of a watermelon when I decide enough is enough. Strong all along.
That was all fine and dandy I decide. But the question soon arises…just what did it all prove? It proved that a water bottle and a rambunctious attempt at making a balloon animal wouldn’t destroy a condom. So, further testing is required before a definitive answer on the true integrity of these vending machine condoms. Now, this would have to be an exhaustive study. The best adjective to describe it would be rigorous. I am proposing human testing of course. Subjects would need to be in good physical shape and have prior experience in matters of condom use. Separate tests would need to be done over many, long nights sleepless nights. Participants would be paid under the table, which is in reality on top of the dresser. I will also take testimonials for a proposed follow up article. Just keep in mind the utmost scientific integrity that will be expected for this study. Anyone interested in participating in this study should send an email to [email protected]. You will be surprised at how swift my reply will be. In the mean time, wrap it before you tap it.
Bah. needed formatting.
Breaking News on Vending Machine Condoms
It only costs a dollar. There are two in a package. Each individually cost 50 cents to the consumer. So what are you playing for, piece of mind? No. A piece of latex. The answer is vending machine condoms. Yes, I was astonished to learn they existed when I first ventured onto this campus last semester and my fascination with them just won’t leave me. There they were, in Sloth food center, In Kelly too. They stand on the highest tier of vending machine racks just waiting for the college average college student to stumble up drunkenly and in haste mash the correct combination of two buttons to retrieve the product. A plain white box with big bold black print displaying the daring word “Condoms” is dispensed. The combination of the grease in the air, the dollar in my hand and the fact that I had never seen vending machine condoms before was a lethal concoction. So, like the giggling buffoon I was brought up to be, I engaged myself in investigating these rubbers.
It was a less then fateful day when I bought them, looking over my shoulder to see some snickering Burger King food patrons eying my selection. I turned away from the machine with a sly look of self-satisfaction which condoms aren’t usually associated with, at least not until used. Already I decided the dollar was well spent.
My first step to investigating these condoms was to examine the box itself. Merch-A-Vend was the company responsible for supplying us with these anonymously packaged contraceptives. Immediately a googling was in order. The company based out of Orlando Florida specializes in selling pre-packaged assorted products in vending machine dispensable packages. They sell everything from panty hose to playing cards. But you can’t judge a book by its cover or a condom by it’s box.
I was actually relieved to find that, no, Merch-a-vend does not have their own Merch-a-vend brand condoms. Instead I was greeting by the purple wrapper of Mr.Happy’s Hat brand. The logo presented is yellow smiley face (Mr. Happy I presume), wearing a cap, and sticking his tongue out. And to my surprise the condom company went the extra mile to supply me with a red condom and a light blue one as well. I’m still having trouble deciding which color would be more flattering. Did I miss something on the significance of color? I hope not. So now armed with a new brand name I decided to pay this Mr. Happy a visit…google style.
I found my pleasant yellow friend at his very own company website, everything has a website these days. It seems like Mr. Happy really knows his stuff. The proper use section of the site has the directions for use, in middle school sex-ed style display. Props. The Mr.Happy’s Hat company also offers a variety of condom choices. Colors and scents and flavors oh my! But what is a condom without some stoppage power? For this I insisted on checking out the quality section of the website. Mr.Happy is proud to say that he is under the ever-watchful eye of the FDA and assures his customers that he uses only the highest quality latex rubber in making his condoms.
Consulting the FDA website on condom information was a much easier task then expected. By this point in the article I know I am taking this investigation way too seriously, but I continue in the spirit of making acouple good penis jokes. According to the Food and Drug Administration “Manufacturers spot check their condoms using a water-leak test. FDA inspectors do a smilar test on sample condoms they take from warehouses. The condoms are filled with water and checked for leaks. An average of 996 of 1000 condoms must pass this test.” The ill spelling of similar in the previous sentence is purely FDA’s fault. But I trust them with the future of my un-children. I assume that the scientific sounding “water-leak test” is the same used by every kid who is strapped for water balloons on a hot summer day. The percent of failure for the water-leak test condoms is on average .4%. Any batch that fails 5 condoms out of 1000 test the FDA dicktates as unfit to sell. I assume the FDA would really give it really hard to a company that failed to produce reliable condoms. And the company would have no choice but to take it, take it good. What is good enough for the FDA sales is good enough for me, which is why I chain smoke cigarettes. Please observe inherent irony.
Needless to say the FDA has probably poisoned me a million times over in ways I don’t even know about yet. This thought has inspired me to do my very own condom tests. No animals will be harmed. The condoms in my experiment will be the Mr.Happy’s Hat brand condoms, which are supplied by the Sloth Dining hall vending machine. The methods of testing that I will use are the water-leak test and the tensile test i.e. Stretch test followed by the balloon animal test. For the water test I will fill the condom with 10 ounces of water, the same amount that the FDA uses. The condom will spring a leak if a hole is present. A separate condom will be subjected to the stretch test in which I will, well, stretch the condom, and then blow it up and twist it into the shape of a small doggie. The cutest contraceptive you will ever see. And if non of that breaks the condoms…I’ll just put them on someone’s windshield and take a picture. Here goes.
The first condom, big red I’ll call it, smells of a dentist’s glove and is lightly lubricated. With the help of a squirt capped Poland spring bottle I force 10 ounces of water into big red. After tying off the end and playing joyfully for longer then I care to mention here I give up on the idea that the condom might have a hole. Big red was quite the trooper and I only wish we could have met on better circumstances. One test down, one to go. No-baby-blue is the condom I choose for my stretch and blow test. It too smells of a dentist and feels just greasy enough for a good time. With the condom fully unraveled I proceed to stretch it in every direction possible, when I am satisfied that nothing short of a horse could have done a better job then myself I allow it to be inflated. No-baby-blue is about the size of a watermelon when I decide enough is enough. Strong all along.
That was all fine and dandy I decide. But the question soon arises…just what did it all prove? It proved that a water bottle and a rambunctious attempt at making a balloon animal wouldn’t destroy a condom. So, further testing is required before a definitive answer on the true integrity of these vending machine condoms. Now, this would have to be an exhaustive study. The best adjective to describe it would be rigorous. I am proposing human testing of course. Subjects would need to be in good physical shape and have prior experience in matters of condom use. Separate tests would need to be done over many, long nights sleepless nights. Participants would be paid under the table, which is in reality on top of the dresser. I will also take testimonials for a proposed follow up article. Just keep in mind the utmost scientific integrity that will be expected for this study. Anyone interested in participating in this study should send an email to [email protected]. You will be surprised at how swift my reply will be. In the mean time, wrap it before you tap it.
Bah. needed formatting.
