And you thought your life sucked...

[matriculated]

Sorry to hear about your tragic childhood, XxX. You somehow survived though so my hats off to you. You make sure your kids enjoy themselves and treat them right, you hear? It's corny but I get through the crappy points of my job and stay out of trouble for my kids - that's what parents do.

 

[theman69]

i just read it all, you are really smart and obviously talented in many different ways. i dont want to sound like a know it all but as a 17 year old kid what i would want for myself and my child is that he will have a childhood, don't take that away from you cause at the end of the end that's all you have, memories....

ps: guys all around the temp are jealous of you, all we do is computer work school occasional party hookup, you are living a movie my 'friend'

 

[Sonicslasher]

Wow.....after reading that I'm not gonna complain about my life for a loooooooong time!

 

[Sonicslasher]

Fine, I'll put the file on my OWN server

When It Rains It Pours (Pages 1-80)
I also got screen plays of my life in the mob, my battles with religion, and my life in porn!

http://WhenItRainsItPours-Email-Me-For-End-Of-Movie.pdf/

I think you're doing it wrong =/
Damnit, I REALLY want to read this!

EDIT: IT HAS BEEN FIXED

Yo, I need the end but this link doesn't work.

Is there a ending? And how long is it?

 

[JPH]

I feel bad for ya, man.
I've had a shitty life, but not as shitty as yours (no offence).

Things will pull through. And all those bad experiences? They just make you a better person and leave you tougher and prepared for the future.

 

[WeaponXxX]

Man my brain is fried right now. I literally wrote in depth to everyone up to Ace, my dog wanted to go to the park so I just stopped, came back and hit that little button on my mouse to go back and lost it all. DOH. So bare with me if I repeat myself:

Damnit, I REALLY want to read this!

EDIT: IT HAS BEEN FIXED
As I said above my brain is just frazzled today but the link is fixed. I know you got a lot going on ScuberSteve and for me...well that script takes place in 1997 before Columbine. I'd like to think that if the movie was made it would hit other kids and say, "Hey we are not alone" and maybe push their frustrations in a more proper outlet then what has recently taken place. I know myself, being an avid reader I saw the statistics of my life and my outcome and felt drawn to the final curtain (as it seemed that is what people with my background did) but then something inside clicked, I had a purpose. Sure here I am 11 years later whining on a forum and things HAVE not gotten better, and I'm still struggling so the outcome in the end is not all that great. Had I cut ties with all things that run the same blood as me I really think things might have been better for me. I really wanted to do that movie "When It Rains, It Pours" but I also really wanted to not have any porn connections help me nor did I want my character associated but then I realized my porn friends are all I have the project got put on the back burner. While I am still struggling and while things are still tough I did get two beautiful children which as much as it hurts to say, I'd do it all over again if it meant getting to be with them.

@FAST6191
I totally understand the not good at emotion thing, empathy is very hard feeling for me to display. The other day I was talking to a chick who was sharing a story with her being raped and I'm like nodding and chuckling like, "yea man life's a real bitch". It really was awkward for me to try and give a face like "awww". I think if you took Dexter (showtime) and toned it down 25% you'd probably hit me on the head when it comes to emotions.

Regarding the tales and stories, well I at one point was proud of my roots, they build character and you know besides some bad dreams, and a slight depression the past is really in the past. I got through it, I lived, I learned. But what is killing me now is the stress of 3 people depending on me. Not many people know what its like to not have a single soul for support, not may people know what it is like to live in a dumpster nor would they know how valuable a recyclables dumpster really is. Stress of being a family man, stress of running a company, stress of trying to be a normal dad at the park, stress I added myself by getting Satan's fucking dog, The stress is just killing me, take away every story from my mom to my dad, and I'd just be a normal guy who is bitching about responsibility but now I just need a fucking break. I've been playing this game for so long and I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I'm standing on quicksand. I don't know, like I said the hardest part is lack of family...when your kids burps and you have no one to call to find out if its "normal" its an empty and terrifying feeling.

And I feel ya on the nice guys thing, seriously most people fear me and when they cross me they really know they better be leaving the country but when it comes to family I am a fucking fool. I can't help it. The psychological defect in me that wants that normal life, seriously my mom has fucked me over FOUR times and yet I am once again talking to her. I can watch the most fucked up shit on TV and not make a flinch, but a father son moment on the Simpsons has be all fucking teary eyed. I got issues. And to make it worse now I got the family thing going, I thought I could do it on my own but now my g/f has family and a normal life so I feel like a fucking leper. I'm used to spending the holidays alone and now I'm at these big social functions and I'm really the odd man out, no stories of prom of college, no stories of working the 9-5, no moments anyone can relate to outside of fatherhood. And father is just a title so that sometimes leaves little to be spoken about.

QUOTE(Costello @ May 6 2008, 04:51 PM) I read the whole post, because I know that this is the truth. I've known you for a few years now and I've seen enough to believe you.
I remember the video you'd taken with you and naked girls, having the girls speak out the names of some of the IRC guys

I think I asked if you could get the girls to say my name or something, but you must've forgotten! haha

Anyway, this is a hell of a life. I'm not sure what to say, besides showing my respect for you, telling you how courageous I think you are, and being all impressed & admirative (maybe I shouldn't be) for everything you've done and for being able to tell others about what you've been through.

LOL that brings back good memories.
And I never forgot, just was waiting for a choice babe worthy of throwing Costello a shout out!

@Ace,
not sure what good I've endured. I mean sure I've been around the world, that's living but I'd like help fight cancer, find a cure for aids, shit open a shelter, then I think I'd have done some good...maybe one day I might. Right now you put all the stories aside and it comes down to one thing, I kept going in hopes of being not even super dad but the father I never had. TWO kids is just so fucking tough it took the wind out of my sails. Battling favoritism, man I tell you it is not a fucking walk in the park, one eats veggies while one eats fruit and NOT vice versa. One likes Raisin Bran while one like Oatmeal and NOT vice versa, its just tough and the worst part is my oldest kid I see me. Which is weird cause I thought I was all fucked up from being locked in a garage for years but unless my problems were passed genetically? I don't know but the bottom there is I keep saying, "I'll spend more time later" ....and you know years go by and you only get one chance at this shit. Fatherhood was my reason for living and I am fucking it up but I have nobody to say, "I fucked up, help!" Don't get me wrong there is room for damage control by far but that is NOT how I want this relationship to go down. Not to sound like a whiny bitch but its NOT fair, I did my trials and tribulations my kids should not. If there was a god, you know these kids have a fresh start to break my genetic curse but the harder I try to do better the more and more things go wrong. Seriously it feels like a fucking curse.

"Yes, I have X amount of dollars! Time to quit my job and be a dad!." Next day I get sued for X amount of dollars.
"Yes we shall go to Fiji and take a vacation". 1 week before departure "No Paycheck for you!"

I remember when I was living in a car and it broke down and I was like, "dude this is fucked I can't do it anymore. I need a break and I call poison control and asked if two boxes of sleeping pills would kill someone, they said yes. I swallowed 3 boxes. It would seem the smoke coming from my car was from a belt. I just lost AC...being in Florida and living in a car it wasn't the BEST thing but...yea and besides a failed wrist slitting attempt this was the best attempt I ever took...and I fire up my car and it works. No AC. I go to the theater with some friends to see ANTZ or however its fucking spelled and expect to die peacefully. I see the whole movie, my friend knows what is inside me and offers me a couch that night, I expect to die in my sleep, I don't. You know, it is like someone out there is saying, "Muther fucker I ain't done playing with you yet."

You know, I'm not really trying to live up to any expectations of the world or society. I want to be happy with myself, listen I run a pretty bas ass gig seriously at 21 I woulda killed for a job like it but now as a father I want something I could be proud of. Not for society, not for anyone but me. The cards aren't in my favor yet. Maybe in 10 more years if I'm still kicking. (Which I have a feeling I will be) but right now the more I push myself on the right path the more it seems the wrong path just grabs me and says "gotchya bitch" and financially I just can't cut those ties yet. As I stated above it just sucks cause now I see my kids as egg timers and saying tomorrow I will change just isn't a statement I can say anymore. I gotta bust ass harder, push myself further, and that just means that weight on my shoulders gets heavier and heavier.

 

[[M]artin]

Just out of curiosity and completely off-topic, Weap...

Did you go to Looptopia this past Friday?

 

[WeaponXxX]

Seriously amptor,
The best way to put what I am going through right now is an emotional break down. Uncontrollable waves of sorrow. The 2 months of being on prozac did not make me happy but it did level me out in terms of not getting emotional for no fucking reason. Again though work is just too important for me right now to be playing with meds so I gotta tough it out the best I can. I can't take risks and the stress ain't exactly helping me bring my A game to work if you know what I mean so I don't need any more distractions.

And to the car thing, money does not buy happiness but being broke does not make happyness. At one point I was close to being a millionaire and was depressed. What good is money when you have an empty bed to go home to. Sure we can pitch that manly bravado of "this is the life" but there is a reason I popped so many pills and drinks a nite. I like where I live now, its a NICE neighborhood, good school districts, good everything but the cost of living...who would imagine I'd buy a house that would wipe my savings...and to top it off not even own the mother fucker. I know we all live in different places, I come from a fucking village that had no indoor plumbing, and we showered at a beach. What I spent here I can live like a GOD there, but thats not the case Im here, my house (because of the economy) is now worthless if I wanted to sell it. 3 house on my block have been up for a year or more and I know what the paid and are now asking 100k less than they paid...LESS!

To conclude, happyness comes with money and someone or some people special enough to spend it with.
Banging every bitch from port A to port B is amazing but after awhile it really does feel empty. Conquering the world is great, mountain climbing, sky diving, rafting, surfing, all amazing but when you do it alone...sad.

@NeSchn
What country did you orginally live in?
A small SMALL village in Greece with a population...if I had to guess 200?

@Martin
Nope I really wanted to go but I had work, I'm pretty much booked till July minus the vacation I planned after Mother's Day. It sounded awesome though, maybe next year. (Story of my life lol)
Was it awesome?

 

[Ace Gunman]

You know, I'm not really trying to live up to any expectations of the world or society... ...I gotta bust ass harder, push myself further, and that just means that weight on my shoulders gets heavier and heavier.

Those two lines, that's what I'm talking about. I was trying to live up to everyone's expectations. My friends, family, society, all of these different people and groups wanting me to be different things and no one thinking I could just be happy as me. With you though, you seem to have unrealistic expectations for yourself. I look at your words and I see a man who's fighting against what he THINKS is right for himself versus what you KNOW is right for yourself.

You keep pushing, busting your ass, trying to go farther and farther; but the farther you go the less happy you are as evidenced by the fact that you need prozac just to smile. I can see that you want to be a good dad and a good human being, but you've already come so far. I'm not saying stop, that is not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying you're forcing yourself to be better when you're already great.

Metaphor time: You've pushed yourself to the point where you no longer need to push, you need to step around the thing you're pushing and see what's on the other side. You're already the strongest man in the world, so you don't need steroids, you need to figure out how to use your earned strength; what it's good for now that you have it.

Being a good person and a good father isn't just about how hard you work, it's about what you've overcome to become the person you are. And that, man, is A LOT. You've jumped more hurdles than 10 men will see in a life time. You're a success in life. It's not about the money, or the job. It's about those hurdles, and of course the kids you've brought into the world.

I'm going to leave you now on a question: You talk about your kids, how you want be a good father, give them a good life, etc... Well I ask you, how good a life will they have if they grow up with a manic depressive father who just is not happy? Or worse, a father who gets so depressed he eventually can't take it anymore? All the money, love, and fathering skills in the world won't matter if you can't set an example for your kids by finding what makes you truly happy in life.

 

[[M]artin]

Haha, lots of crazy shit happened, man, lots of crazy shit. I'll blog it ups if I ever get the time...

 

[TheStump]

Weapon thanks for sharing with us, your post has obviously just made others release how much more they respect you, just from reading the footnotes of your life.
I admire that you are proactive in all regards when it comes to trying to make a better life for you and your children. I could never understand or even comprehend the levels of intensity of you life, but knowing you have lived through it all and are still standing trying to do the right thing and be there for your children, is amazing.

It might not mean much coming from people you don't even know, but the respect you have obtained from this topic is at the highest level.

I have no real insightful words, because i couldn't never understand what you have been through. But i tell you what i did learn about you;
-you have experienced more than most people on the forum will ever do in their life
-you (regardless of your past) aim to be a better person and stand by that
-you have the ability to use your skills in creative ways
-your kind
regardless of what you have done in your life, you have gain traits that many of us hope to learn in a life time.
Good luck

 

[SleepingDragon]

Wow, to be honest, I'm kinda speechless. I mean, I sat here with an open "reply" window for about 10 minutes trying to think of the right thing to say. And then I realized, there is no "right thing to say". There is no question, you have been the victim of some unspeakable crimes and have clearly been cast in the role of "septic tank" to the world's "toilet". And like you said, for me to come on here and say, "things will get better" is disingenuous at best. It took me a long time to realize how to deal with these kinds of feelings. No matter if things are great, or things are crap, there is one indisputable FACT, life is short. There is a saying that stuck in my mind all these years from sunday school, "...life is but a vapor. It appears for a while and is gone".

So, when things are going great, enjoy them. Live it up, soak it in, because it won't last forever. Just like Summer has it's Winter and a beautiful sunset soon turns to night, good times are meant to be savored, because they will come to an end.

And when things are terrible and life seems as though it could get no worse, remember this, it won't last forever. You have to keep your head up and eyes open. Of course, everyone says to keep your head up, but what does it mean to really keep your eyes open. Well, many times when my life has sucked, like going through a divorce with an unfaithful wife, trying to keep my children happy and motivated, when all the while I am crying just as they are, I've closed myself off and not kept open to new opportunities and people. We sometimes build walls around our spirit and emotions, and end up missing some of the help and good times we so desperately are in need of.

So, keep your head up and eyes open. The fact that you are still alive and breathing makes you an example of perseverance and sheer will-power. Just know that there are others out here, even if we are just gbatempers

You're not alone. Learn as much as you can from these life experiences and use it to not only gain strength and wisdom yourself, but continue to share it with others. Good luck and take care.

 

[juggernaut911]

you rock

gonna read this story, you should write a book about it.

suicide attempts never work

 

[Issac]

All I can say is that I respect every single part of you. And I'll always have a thought of you as well.
I remember when you put up When it rains, it pours three years ago. I read it back then and I even got to write a "movie review" in school about it. the teacher liked my summary.
I don't know however if it contained the ending, perhaps it didn't?
And then I thought: Maybe I e-mailed you about the ending... but I don't know if I got a reply or something. Three years and I forgot... it's sad.

We don't share the same opinions on some matters, and we don't talk that much with each other, but I've always seen you as a friend, and a good guy.
So here's a friend, and if anything happens I am quite a good listener.

 

[NeSchn]

suicide attempts never work

Yeah suicides aren't the way to go, seriously though if you made a book I'm pretty sure many people would read it. Make your movie script into a book. I would totally read it.

 

[The Teej]

Wow man, I most definitely do not have it bad! Not that I thought I did anyway, but safe to say I probably won't ever again, lol. I remember when you put up the story the first time (When it rains) and it's still in my head, just out of sheer amazement.

The fact that you keep going along despite the amount of shit that gets flung in your face makes me having nothing but the utmost respect for you. A lot of guys would just buckle under, fuck all their responsibilities and go somewhere else, but you don't. That takes a hell of a lot of effort, but damnit you pull it off.

My hat to you, good sir!

 

[pasc]

artin]
Damn, Weap. This might not sound like much, but I have (and always have had, since the moment I popped up in this little place and started seeing ya around) mad respect for you. The fact that you're still here, still taking life's punches left and right, is reason enough to tip a glass or whatever. Fuck man, keep that head above water...

(Effing A, thanks for the read, too!)

QFT, do your thing XxX

 

[mthrnite]

Hey man,
First off, you know me, if you ever need a little help, you know where to get me.

Also.. i've come to realize two major things in life:

1. All pain is local. Two guys standing beside each other, one has cancer, the other has a toothache... they experience their own pain directly and no one else's, neither is less or more important because pain outside of yourself is only experienced second hand, not truly understood. When I hear someone say, "you think YOU got it bad.. this one guy I know.. etc.. etc.." it reminds me of the fact that whatever you experience as pain, is all important, and almost completely invisible to the guy beside you. Yeah, I know a lot of folks benefit from the "it could be worse" salve, but it seems to me dishonest. I know how bad it feels to stump my toe on the coffee table, and how bad it feels to lose my wife, but even I only know that pain when it happens, the dull remembrance of it is something else totally. Direct, in the moment, pain. Direct, in the moment, life. Seeing things like that not only helps me to deal with my own pain, but not to belittle or aggrandize the pain of others.

2. Life scales to fit. The rich man that's lonely, the poor man that's hungry... there are ways out of any misery. Realism and persistence, and you will get through it. Humans.. we adapt.. it's what we do best. I thought I'd crumble when I was faced with my miseries, but I didn't, and you won't.

I don't know if any of this helps or even makes much sense, but know that I hope the best for you, and have always seen you as "one of the good ones" around here. Again, if I can lend an ear at any point, I'd be glad to.

*tips hat*

 

[Szyslak]

Weapon, I can't really pretend to give good advice here. It seems weightless. Just wanted to let you know that I admire you for handling what's been thrown at you so far, and making every attempt to come out of it a better man. I hope things work out for you and you get closer to being the father you want to be. Just remember that to most kids, love = time. They don't feel special just because someone tells them they're special.

Thanks for telling your story. If nothing else, it was an excellent reminder to me to appreciate my parents for everything they had to go through to raise me the best way they knew how. It's too easy to focus on what we didn't have, or the things they didn't do quite right. They were just doing the best they could.

And it was also an excellent reminder that I need to keep working on being the best father that I know how to be. So, by sharing your story, you've inspired at least one other man to keep trying to be a better dad. That's something right?

 

[shakirmoledina]

man i must say that i have never ever thought life could get this terrible
keep it together and stay calm... for sure u will come out great