The alien and the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse (or RDVH for short) were on a sacred journey. A journey to find themselves. But mainly it was a journey to revive their fallen ally, Esperanza Cordova, blasted to the double darkness from whence he came. They traveled long and far to the home of an insane cult leader by the name of Bifflebob.
The two travelers had heard tell of his necromanic prowless, and so they sought his aid. Coming to his door, they knocked thrice upon the oak wood. Recieving no response, the extraterrestrial proceeded to ring the doorbell profusely. 'Dong-ding' it ran.
"Who where?" Asked a strangely dressed elderly gentleman, who gasped at once upon seeing the alien's supple wrists. "Hot a what baabhibihabiat," he said at once. "Come in, come in at once from this dreadful cold. 'Tis a simply gorgeous day otherwise, isn't it though? Yes, yes, of course, of course!" He said, clapping his heels together, horribly twisting them into a pretzel shape.
"Um, are you alright, sir?" Asked the RDVH.
"Quite alright, old bean. Happens all the time. Happens all the time." The two travelers raised their eyebrows several times, making various silent signals signifying to eachother that this cultist leader was, surprisingly, quite insane. "What brings a chimera dinosaur and babelian from outerspace to my most humble abode?" He asked, pouring everyone a spot of tea.
"We heard that you were a most formidable reviver of the dead. A fellow wanderer of ours, this man here," she said, pointing to the corpse of Esperanza, "has sadly given up the ghost. We were hoping to use your services to bring him back from the land of the dead."
"Hm, I am afraid you are mistaken there, O most voluptous lass." The mad fellow replied, tearing the beard hair from his chin. "I am no necromancer. I am a NEKOmancer. Quite a big difference there. You see, I only revive cats back from the dead. Common mistake, it is. Why, I get a visitor about once a week looking for the wrong sort of mancer!" Here he suddenly shouted, "Purple elephants!" And proceeded to go about his buisness.
"Is it really such a big difference?" Questioned the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
The insane cultist suddenly leapt at the dinosaur's throat, slightly letting his lifeblood flow with a silver blade imbedded a few inches into his strong neck meat. "There is a difference. A big difference," he began crying, and let the chimera go. The RVDH sought retribution, and would surely have eaten the man whole, but the alien prevented him from doing so.
"Then I am afraid you are of no help to us. Come, RDVH. We are done here." The two proceeded to exit the home. Once they had traveled a fair distance, the alien transformed into the gigantic white serpent Shesha, destroyer of worlds, and engulfed the nekomancers' home in flames, surely killing him. They then resumed their journey.
As they traveled near the mountain passes of Mt. Kuma, the RDVH began shivering uncontrollably.
"What is it?" Asked the alien, otherwise known as Shesha. "What plagues you, O friend?"
"Dost thou trully be unawares of this place? Surely all must ken of the horror at rest here! I heard that Zantung, dreaded mountain bandit resides here."
"Har, har, har. Truly, O my ally? You are a robot dinosaur with drill arms, flame nostrils, cure breath, and the abilty to transform into large city planning vehicles! And I can become a gigantic serpent, capable of destroying the world itself! We have nothing to worry about, so forget about it."
"Okay, but still..." replied the RDVH. He then followed his compatriot down the many hills and valleys, cautiously glancing about all the while.
Meanwhile, high above a cliff stood Zantung, garbed in a monkey body as well as a monkey head. He stood, eyeing the beautiful Shesha and her majestic companion. Behind him came his flunky, Rappaport.
"Rappaport reporting, sir! One babe sighted, a lizzady with big ol' breasts and a lot of junk in the trunk, as per your orders!"
"Hue, hue, hue. Well done Rappaport. But mine eyes have already glanced so and such individuals."
"T-truly sir! Most impressive, my liege!"
"Indeed. 'Tis simple physics my boy. All bandit leaders worth their salt know such things."
"Uh, I fail to see what physics has to do with anythi-"
"Silence, thou saucy fellow! Thou art truly a brick, a stone, a worse than seneseless thing indeed! Ready thine arrows, lads, and prepare to shoot that majestic beast to his death, so that I may go crazy on that baberino before my visage."
"Yes sir! And afterwards, should I deploy our troops to harass her and bring her to justice?"
"Nay, my robot monkeys shall be enough to deal with her."
"R-robot monkeys, sir?"
"Yes, robot monkeys. Now, attack!!"
As the two travelers wandered, the RDVH suddenly stopped in a cold sweat.
"What is it, buddy? You feeling alright?" Asked Shesha.
"I just had this sudden feeling... as if... we were to be attacked by robot monkeys. And if I'm lyin', you can just go right ahead and turn my soul into a skeleton."
"Now how the hell..." Suddenly, a barrage of several robot monkeys leapt atop the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, ripping his robotic appendeges to shreds.
"No! My metalic heart!" He shouted. The robot monkey grinned, and crushed the heart betwixt his fingers. The noble steed fell to the ground, as he had become death.
"RDVH! You bastards... I'll KILL YOU!!" She then transformed into her ultimate form, crushing, obliterating, and ultimately decimating the army of robotic primates. "Take this, and that, and one of these!" She screeched, rendering the survivors into nothing but rubble. Being able to take no more of her form, she reverted back to her regular alien self. She rushed to her fallen ally, but she was suddenly struck in the back by an arrow and knew no more...
Awakening, eyes blurry, Shesha found herself hogtied to a wooden post, forced to witness the RDVH being boiled, mashed, and stuck into a stew. She promised herself she would not cry at the loss of her dear friend, but it was no use. The tears did come, and the bandits did grin, as they feasted upon the flesh of Esperanza Cordova.
"So, you are awaken." Saith Zantung, giggling like a schoolgirl. "I hope you like dinosaur horse stew. I heard it is, to die for! Hue, hue, hue, hue!"
"You villanous monkey-garbed fiend!" Cried Shesha. "You shall pay for your crimes this day."
"Oh? And how do you plan to go about doing that?" He said, revealing what could only be described as a shit-eating grin.
"Oh, I don't know... maybe with a little something I like to call, henshin!" Suddenly, the binds from which she was bound were torn asunder, and the alien smote the crew of vandalous miscreants and rabblerousers, crushing them to naught but liquid jelly.
"Nay, nay, spare me, please! T'was not my fault! T'was Rappaports idea, it was!" Shouted Zantung.
"Dude," said Rappaport, stunned.
With no mercy left in her heart, Shesha at once consumed the flesh of the two bandits. As they digested, she patted her belly, and let out a content sigh. Returning to her regular state, she kicked the couldron that was baking the flesh of her steed, and returned Esperanza's missing parts with the help of her trusty gamma-ray atomic gun.
Traveling many, many miles, she came at last to the end of the mountain range. Falling to her knees from exhaustion (having carried the remains of the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse and the corpse of Esperanza) she decided she could travel no further and made camp.
Waking in the morning, she found a strangely marked hexer with only a sock for clothes, scavenging through the RDVH's remains. She put a hand on his shoulder and whispered, snake-tongue a-floppin' in the wind: "And just WHAT are you doing?"
"Uh, uh, only trying to fix your little robot dinosaur horse, ma'am!" He said. Observing his features, Shesha found that he had the looks of a vampire ninja.
"Are you sure that is what you are here for? Because I know that vampire ninjas detest horses! Especially those of the robotic velociraptor variety!"
The vampiric hexer ninja leapt a good ten feet in the air, and fled; swimming through the dirt, until he arrived at last at a great body of water - and began at once to run across it to safety. "Ah-hah! Little did you know that we could swim on water and walk on land, snake-lady!"
Shesha clenched her fists and shook them angrily at the monstrous monster, blushing as she did so, having forgotten such an elementary fact of life. Returning to check on her friend and ally, she found the dinosaur blinking from the light of the sun.
"Oh, I say," said he, "this sun is simply dreadful! Most unpleasant!"
Shesha hugged her old friend, tears in her eyes. "I'm glad to see you're safe."
"Oh, uh... well, I would pat you on the back, but I no longer have arms." He said, with a wry smile. The two laughed a hearty laugh.
And the legend shall continue...
The two travelers had heard tell of his necromanic prowless, and so they sought his aid. Coming to his door, they knocked thrice upon the oak wood. Recieving no response, the extraterrestrial proceeded to ring the doorbell profusely. 'Dong-ding' it ran.
"Who where?" Asked a strangely dressed elderly gentleman, who gasped at once upon seeing the alien's supple wrists. "Hot a what baabhibihabiat," he said at once. "Come in, come in at once from this dreadful cold. 'Tis a simply gorgeous day otherwise, isn't it though? Yes, yes, of course, of course!" He said, clapping his heels together, horribly twisting them into a pretzel shape.
"Um, are you alright, sir?" Asked the RDVH.
"Quite alright, old bean. Happens all the time. Happens all the time." The two travelers raised their eyebrows several times, making various silent signals signifying to eachother that this cultist leader was, surprisingly, quite insane. "What brings a chimera dinosaur and babelian from outerspace to my most humble abode?" He asked, pouring everyone a spot of tea.
"We heard that you were a most formidable reviver of the dead. A fellow wanderer of ours, this man here," she said, pointing to the corpse of Esperanza, "has sadly given up the ghost. We were hoping to use your services to bring him back from the land of the dead."
"Hm, I am afraid you are mistaken there, O most voluptous lass." The mad fellow replied, tearing the beard hair from his chin. "I am no necromancer. I am a NEKOmancer. Quite a big difference there. You see, I only revive cats back from the dead. Common mistake, it is. Why, I get a visitor about once a week looking for the wrong sort of mancer!" Here he suddenly shouted, "Purple elephants!" And proceeded to go about his buisness.
"Is it really such a big difference?" Questioned the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
The insane cultist suddenly leapt at the dinosaur's throat, slightly letting his lifeblood flow with a silver blade imbedded a few inches into his strong neck meat. "There is a difference. A big difference," he began crying, and let the chimera go. The RVDH sought retribution, and would surely have eaten the man whole, but the alien prevented him from doing so.
"Then I am afraid you are of no help to us. Come, RDVH. We are done here." The two proceeded to exit the home. Once they had traveled a fair distance, the alien transformed into the gigantic white serpent Shesha, destroyer of worlds, and engulfed the nekomancers' home in flames, surely killing him. They then resumed their journey.
As they traveled near the mountain passes of Mt. Kuma, the RDVH began shivering uncontrollably.
"What is it?" Asked the alien, otherwise known as Shesha. "What plagues you, O friend?"
"Dost thou trully be unawares of this place? Surely all must ken of the horror at rest here! I heard that Zantung, dreaded mountain bandit resides here."
"Har, har, har. Truly, O my ally? You are a robot dinosaur with drill arms, flame nostrils, cure breath, and the abilty to transform into large city planning vehicles! And I can become a gigantic serpent, capable of destroying the world itself! We have nothing to worry about, so forget about it."
"Okay, but still..." replied the RDVH. He then followed his compatriot down the many hills and valleys, cautiously glancing about all the while.
Meanwhile, high above a cliff stood Zantung, garbed in a monkey body as well as a monkey head. He stood, eyeing the beautiful Shesha and her majestic companion. Behind him came his flunky, Rappaport.
"Rappaport reporting, sir! One babe sighted, a lizzady with big ol' breasts and a lot of junk in the trunk, as per your orders!"
"Hue, hue, hue. Well done Rappaport. But mine eyes have already glanced so and such individuals."
"T-truly sir! Most impressive, my liege!"
"Indeed. 'Tis simple physics my boy. All bandit leaders worth their salt know such things."
"Uh, I fail to see what physics has to do with anythi-"
"Silence, thou saucy fellow! Thou art truly a brick, a stone, a worse than seneseless thing indeed! Ready thine arrows, lads, and prepare to shoot that majestic beast to his death, so that I may go crazy on that baberino before my visage."
"Yes sir! And afterwards, should I deploy our troops to harass her and bring her to justice?"
"Nay, my robot monkeys shall be enough to deal with her."
"R-robot monkeys, sir?"
"Yes, robot monkeys. Now, attack!!"
As the two travelers wandered, the RDVH suddenly stopped in a cold sweat.
"What is it, buddy? You feeling alright?" Asked Shesha.
"I just had this sudden feeling... as if... we were to be attacked by robot monkeys. And if I'm lyin', you can just go right ahead and turn my soul into a skeleton."
"Now how the hell..." Suddenly, a barrage of several robot monkeys leapt atop the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, ripping his robotic appendeges to shreds.
"No! My metalic heart!" He shouted. The robot monkey grinned, and crushed the heart betwixt his fingers. The noble steed fell to the ground, as he had become death.
"RDVH! You bastards... I'll KILL YOU!!" She then transformed into her ultimate form, crushing, obliterating, and ultimately decimating the army of robotic primates. "Take this, and that, and one of these!" She screeched, rendering the survivors into nothing but rubble. Being able to take no more of her form, she reverted back to her regular alien self. She rushed to her fallen ally, but she was suddenly struck in the back by an arrow and knew no more...
Awakening, eyes blurry, Shesha found herself hogtied to a wooden post, forced to witness the RDVH being boiled, mashed, and stuck into a stew. She promised herself she would not cry at the loss of her dear friend, but it was no use. The tears did come, and the bandits did grin, as they feasted upon the flesh of Esperanza Cordova.
"So, you are awaken." Saith Zantung, giggling like a schoolgirl. "I hope you like dinosaur horse stew. I heard it is, to die for! Hue, hue, hue, hue!"
"You villanous monkey-garbed fiend!" Cried Shesha. "You shall pay for your crimes this day."
"Oh? And how do you plan to go about doing that?" He said, revealing what could only be described as a shit-eating grin.
"Oh, I don't know... maybe with a little something I like to call, henshin!" Suddenly, the binds from which she was bound were torn asunder, and the alien smote the crew of vandalous miscreants and rabblerousers, crushing them to naught but liquid jelly.
"Nay, nay, spare me, please! T'was not my fault! T'was Rappaports idea, it was!" Shouted Zantung.
"Dude," said Rappaport, stunned.
With no mercy left in her heart, Shesha at once consumed the flesh of the two bandits. As they digested, she patted her belly, and let out a content sigh. Returning to her regular state, she kicked the couldron that was baking the flesh of her steed, and returned Esperanza's missing parts with the help of her trusty gamma-ray atomic gun.
Traveling many, many miles, she came at last to the end of the mountain range. Falling to her knees from exhaustion (having carried the remains of the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse and the corpse of Esperanza) she decided she could travel no further and made camp.
Waking in the morning, she found a strangely marked hexer with only a sock for clothes, scavenging through the RDVH's remains. She put a hand on his shoulder and whispered, snake-tongue a-floppin' in the wind: "And just WHAT are you doing?"
"Uh, uh, only trying to fix your little robot dinosaur horse, ma'am!" He said. Observing his features, Shesha found that he had the looks of a vampire ninja.
"Are you sure that is what you are here for? Because I know that vampire ninjas detest horses! Especially those of the robotic velociraptor variety!"
The vampiric hexer ninja leapt a good ten feet in the air, and fled; swimming through the dirt, until he arrived at last at a great body of water - and began at once to run across it to safety. "Ah-hah! Little did you know that we could swim on water and walk on land, snake-lady!"
Shesha clenched her fists and shook them angrily at the monstrous monster, blushing as she did so, having forgotten such an elementary fact of life. Returning to check on her friend and ally, she found the dinosaur blinking from the light of the sun.
"Oh, I say," said he, "this sun is simply dreadful! Most unpleasant!"
Shesha hugged her old friend, tears in her eyes. "I'm glad to see you're safe."
"Oh, uh... well, I would pat you on the back, but I no longer have arms." He said, with a wry smile. The two laughed a hearty laugh.
And the legend shall continue...
