Adrian

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The coolly boy had grown from a feverish blackened silk skin to a pale yet brown chain-chained goosebumps. He had just not just brutalized a person with his own 2 hands; all that now lay on the ground by his window was blood...



...and some more blood below it...


...followed by a mutilated blonde head, but had brunette roots festering underneath the blood and sweat that hid any human trace.
On the ground lay a camera, intricately pointing south, in the direction of the crime that passed 2 seconds ago.
Another second passed... Another minute, and eventually, the blood oozed out of the carcass and started swallowing the camera slowly. The hemorrhage bellowed at his feet, and the sulking warmth remained wrapped onto his soles until he snapped out of whatever trance caught him.
"Shit", he muttered to himself, "camera's gonna go broke if I don't pick it up...you could'a told me this was hap'nin'". He chuckled, and collected as never, he picked up the camera, dried it off on his shirt, removed the minidisc, and promptly replayed the murder on his TV.
But he didn't just want to see his torturous method. His trance regained him, rebutting comfort into his fit, and lead to an involuntary repeat of what he was seeing himself do. His hands karated the inky air of the circulatory diffusion of the defunct being, weilding an icepick he got many winters ago. His overacting ripped his shirt cleanly off. The absorption of the trance got into his head at such magnitude that he replayed the video, staring trance-ridden at every frame his torture method for about 5 seconds per frame. One of these intervals shot him back to reality. It was the instant the wound of entry became apparent. And suddenly, the warming glow of the vertical drawing screen grew cold.

The entire hope of one being was dispersed in a single frame.
The glossy screens coldness sustained. He looked over at the shirt on the floor.
"I can always use the sweater tomorrow"
 

Ace

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I cling to dictionaries like pets, what can I say?
laugh.gif
 

redact

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overly explanatory sentences blow cocks
it's just annoying to read three pages about how truly blue the sky that day was :|
 

Hells Malice

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Far too descriptive, without really describing anything worth describing. A few grammar mistakes here and there.
Just a tip, you write the name of a number unless it's past 13. Once it hits the teens, it's fine to write the number...though it still looks lazy in some cases. Some exceptions do apply of course, but i'm too lazy to point them out.

Better then the average highschool student anyways.
 

yuyuyup

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"He had just not just brutalized a person with his own 2 hands; all that now lay on the ground by his window was blood..."--------- he had not just... but he.. ? ? or did you mean "he had NOW just.." And if you're being that descriptive of the scene, isn't "brutalized" an understatement ?

"Shit", he muttered to himself, "camera's gonna go broke if I don't pick it up...you could'a told me this was hap'nin'". --------- specify if he is talking to a voice in his head or change to "I shoulda known this was hapnin"

what does "chain-chained" mean

what does "karated" mean

what does "the inky air" mean

"He chuckled, and collected as never," did you mean "ever," if not, why was he "cooly" if he is never collected ?

removed the minidisc, and promptly replayed the murder on his TV. ---------- doesn't seem realistic, are there many televisions that support such camcorder disc playback ? prob just hook up the camera to the tv instead, or watch the screen on the camera

You should elaborate on the "many winters ago" or drop those words

Why did he rip his shirt off
 

Ace

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yuyuyup said:
"He had just not just brutalized a person with his own 2 hands; all that now lay on the ground by his window was blood..."--------- he had not just... but he.. ? ? or did you mean "he had NOW just.." And if you're being that descriptive of the scene, isn't "brutalized" an understatement ?

"Shit", he muttered to himself, "camera's gonna go broke if I don't pick it up...you could'a told me this was hap'nin'". --------- specify if he is talking to a voice in his head or change to "I shoulda known this was hapnin"

what does "chain-chained" mean

what does "karated" mean

what does "the inky air" mean

"He chuckled, and collected as never," did you mean "ever," if not, why was he "cooly" if he is never collected ?

removed the minidisc, and promptly replayed the murder on his TV. ---------- doesn't seem realistic, are there many televisions that support such camcorder disc playback ? prob just hook up the camera to the tv instead, or watch the screen on the camera

You should elaborate on the "many winters ago" or drop those words

Why did he rip his shirt off
He ripped his shirt off in trance.
And I should probably say where this came from... It's some reworked writing I had for an English class about half a month ago. The point was to write a story to someone close to you, and connect the dots of fiction and reality, and yet try to make it as conversational/not-so-informal as possible. I know it's an incoherent task, but that's what you got to do sometimes, to break away from trying to reach everyone in the audience except maybe your friends.

The true story is of a guy who lived on the floor below mine and who disappeared mysteriously last August, after moving out some months prior. Until a few weeks ago, his grieving family decided to put a reward for anyone that could find him for about 13,000 USD. Within a day of the posted reward, two people turned themselves into the police, admitting to murdering him, and telling them where the body was. He was involved with some people and drugs he shouldn't have been, and it cost his life. I did not know him very well, and perhaps it's sad that I didn't, but it was a way for me to express a form of sadness over someone who I could've known.

The true story is however far from over. The two guys who murdered him are on trial, and because they were only 17 at the time of the murder (but they are both 18 now), they cannot be punished with prison. Odds are, they will get juvenile prison for maybe 2-4 years.

Here in Sweden, the punishment system is weak for these types of cases (and trust me when I say it's happened before), and it built emotions that might as well have been released. This was the medium I decided to do it. And yes, it might not seem as linear or even similar as this true story I have told, but deviating from the truth felt more comfortable than flat out just retelling my experience with this. I wanted to spill my heart to the family, but keep the cold truth out of it. It's why it's deceptive in a way, because of how I decided to describe my fiction because it almost puts you in the place of the pseudo-murder.
 

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