Best joke ever!!!!

[VVoltz]

[this message was removed by a moderator]

Edit:

I don't like it when people make fun of this very subject...
I took the liberty to remove some people's posts, I hope you don't mind.
Hopefully, the people targetted by these jokes haven't had the time to read them!

Ok, since I don't like people not liking me, here is the truth:
The original post was: [this message was removed by a moderator]

But since mthrnite and CIA happened to post some jokes, lets turn this thread into a fun filling one. So go ahead!, post your best joke so the world can laugh at you, er... I mean with you.
I'll put the best ones on this first post.

Here ya go.. catch it quick before Costello sees it!

A guy walks into a bar, buys a martini and sits down by the baby grand piano, which is being played by a woman with a small monkey sitting on her shoulder. The monkey jumps down and runs across the piano and places a coaster on the piano top for the man to set his martini on, then runs back and sits down on the piano player's shoulder again. The man takes a sip off of his martini and sets it back on the piano top, but neglects to put it on the monkey-provided coaster. Suddenly the monkey dashes over to the man and pees in his martini glass. The man, shocked, exclaims to the piano player in a loud voice, "Hey, do you know your goddamned monkey just took a piss in my drink!?!?"

To which the piano player replies: "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it!"

One day a man and women were having trouble with money. The man despite all his tries could not get a job so the women decided she'd have to sell herself for the sex. She gets her hair done, does her make up and leaves the house. About 9 in the morning she walks in all dishelved and the husband asks...well dear how much money did you make? The wife goes $425.25.

The husband replies and 25 cents? What cheap bastard gave you 25 cents? The wife looks all confused and says...why... All of them....

for hobotent:

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A.

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

This is not supposed to offend anyone, buts its the best joke I have ever read!!!

A Sydney construction site...

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

I love this one...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered.
The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly.
The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it.
As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned slowly: “I had to walk home.”

Dominik's funny joke reminded me of one:

A little boy was sitting on the curb out in front of a house with a beautiful cocker spaniel sitting by his side. A woman walking by stops to admire the dog. "Does your dog bite, little boy?" she asked. The boy answered "No ma'am, my dog is the gentlest dog in the world." So as the woman reaches to pet the dog, the dog promptly bites her on the hand. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" said the woman, clutching her bleeding hand. "Oh, he doesn't..." said the boy "but this isn't my dog!"

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

So far so good, keep'm coming.

Just to practice, since this is the test area:

test

 

[science]

AGEADX

 

[cruddybuddy]

[this message was removed by a moderator]

Hilarious!

 

[ugly_rose]

i don't get it...

 

[4saken]

If it's to spark fury, most people probably don't care.

 

[Awdofgum]

awww i wish i was here before the joke was removed =(

 

[Foie]

 

[jimmy j]

I heard that one years ago

 

[nileyg]

 

[Costello]

I don't like it when people make fun of this very subject...
I took the liberty to remove some people's posts, I hope you don't mind.
Hopefully, the people targetted by these jokes haven't had the time to read them!

 

[kristijan08]

someone wanna pm it to me? i love jokes!

 

[Destructobot]

 

[mthrnite]

Here ya go.. catch it quick before Costello sees it!

A guy walks into a bar, buys a martini and sits down by the baby grand piano, which is being played by a woman with a small monkey sitting on her shoulder. The monkey jumps down and runs across the piano and places a coaster on the piano top for the man to set his martini on, then runs back and sits down on the piano player's shoulder again. The man takes a sip off of his martini and sets it back on the piano top, but neglects to put it on the monkey-provided coaster. Suddenly the monkey dashes over to the man and pees in his martini glass. The man, shocked, exclaims to the piano player in a loud voice, "Hey, do you know your goddamned monkey just took a piss in my drink!?!?"

To which the piano player replies: "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it!"

 

[nileyg]

 

[Mortenga]

Here ya go.. catch it quick before Costello sees it!

A guy walks into a bar, buys a martini and sits down by the baby grand piano, which is being played by a woman with a small monkey sitting on her shoulder. The monkey jumps down and runs across the piano and places a coaster on the piano top for the man to set his martini on, then runs back and sits down on the piano player's shoulder again. The man takes a sip off of his martini and sets it back on the piano top, but neglects to put it on the monkey-provided coaster. Suddenly the monkey dashes over to the man and pees in his martini glass. The man, shocked, exclaims to the piano player in a loud voice, "Hey, do you know your goddamned monkey just took a piss in my drink!?!?"

To which the piano player replies: "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it!"

ahahahaha

PS: I don't get it

 

[Samutz]

Here ya go.. catch it quick before Costello sees it!

A guy walks into a bar, buys a martini and sits down by the baby grand piano, which is being played by a woman with a small monkey sitting on her shoulder. The monkey jumps down and runs across the piano and places a coaster on the piano top for the man to set his martini on, then runs back and sits down on the piano player's shoulder again. The man takes a sip off of his martini and sets it back on the piano top, but neglects to put it on the monkey-provided coaster. Suddenly the monkey dashes over to the man and pees in his martini glass. The man, shocked, exclaims to the piano player in a loud voice, "Hey, do you know your goddamned monkey just took a piss in my drink!?!?"

To which the piano player replies: "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it!"

Don't forget to recycle!

 

[BlueStar]

A german man approaches a prostitute and says "i vish to buy sex vith you". "ok" says the girl "but it'll cost 20 an hour". "ist good, but i must varn you i little kinky". "i can do kinky" replies the lady of the night.

They then walk back to the girls flat where the german produces from his bag four large bed springs and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hanz und kneez". The girl finds this strange but complies and ties the springs accordingly.

"now you vill get on your hanz und kneez" says the german. She duly does this balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill blow on zis kwacker as i make ze love to you".

She finds this odd but thinks it's harmless (and he's paying). She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic german all the time honking on the duck caller and she comes to the greatest climax she's ever known.

It's a few minutes before she can muster the breath to ask "That was amazing. What do you call that position?"

"Ah" the german replies "zat is called ze.........."



"four-sprung duck technique!"

 

[nileyg]

Audi?

 

[Jax]

A german man approaches a prostitute and says "i vish to buy sex vith you". "ok" says the girl "but it'll cost 20 an hour". "ist good, but i must varn you i little kinky". "i can do kinky" replies the lady of the night.

They then walk back to the girls flat where the german produces from his bag four large bed springs and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hanz und kneez". The girl finds this strange but complies and ties the springs accordingly.

"now you vill get on your hanz und kneez" says the german. She duly does this balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill blow on zis kwacker as i make ze love to you".

She finds this odd but thinks it's harmless (and he's paying). She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic german all the time honking on the duck caller and she comes to the greatest climax she's ever known.

It's a few minutes before she can muster the breath to ask "That was amazing. What do you call that position?"

"Ah" the german replies "zat is called ze.........."



"four-sprung duck technique!"

I didn't get it...

 

[BlueStar]

I didn't get it...

It's probably not as famous a german phrase in some countries as others
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vorsprung_durch_Technik
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/399450.html