Post your jokes thread

[Lostbhoy]

Everyone enjoys a joke. Good, bad, cheesy, long, short, clean or dirty..... Anything goes except knock knock jokes! Even Dad jokes!

Okay, knock knock jokes too! I'll start....

Two nudists sitting by the pool and one turns to the other and asks "Have you read Marx?"

The other replies "Yes, it's these wicker chairs."

 

[BigOnYa]

Forward it’s heavy, backward it’s not. What is it?
Ton.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

What question can you never answer “yes” to?
Are you asleep?

 

[Lostbhoy]

Driver breaks down by the side of the road when an old drunk staggers past

"What's wrong with it?" the old drunk asks
Driver replies "Piston broke"
"Ah, just like myself" the drunk replies and staggers on his way

 

[BigOnYa]

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The patient says "I don't understand doc, why? "Because." the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

Life is like toilet paper...
You're either on a roll, or taking shit from someone.

 

[Alexander1970]

Polly Pocket made a good Poll......

 

[Lostbhoy]

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A Wonky!

I went to my local butcher for a leg of lamb and asked "Is it Scotch?"
The butcher replied "Why? Are you going to eat it or have a conversation with it?"

 

[hippy dave]

What's E.T. short for?




Because he's only got little legs.

 

[Lostbhoy]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers!

 

[AmandaRose]

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

 

[Lostbhoy]

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places!

 

[AmandaRose]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Crazynoob458]

1+1= -1

 

[Lostbhoy]

Went out with this girl once. She looked stunning, wore this real slinky number..... Looked weird going down stairs though!

 

[AmandaRose]

A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”

 

[Lostbhoy]

Last night I slept like a baby. Pissed the bed 4 times and woke up crying 5!

 

[AmandaRose]

My boyfriend knows how understanding I am.
That’s why he always calls me Miss Understanding

 

[Lostbhoy]

My girlfriend has found her Mr Right. She just didn't know my first name is always!

 

[AmandaRose]

My boyfriend told me to stop impersonating flamingos.
I had to put my foot down.

 

[Lostbhoy]

I'll never forget the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.... ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

 

[BigOnYa]

What does an Owl in Scotland watch? Dr. Whoot.

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Scotland? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

LL. Jk with you guys!