What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard?

[Mama Looigi]

The funniest thing you’ve ever heard? Remember people, you can’t hear a picture, so this is an image-free thread

 

[Asia81]

Traps make the best waifus

 

[leon315]

Murica will win this trade war

 

[Stwert]

Guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says to him: I’ll do anything you want for fifty bucks, as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy thinks for a minute, puts fifty bucks on the bar and says: paint my house.



Ok, not the funniest, but it’s the first one that popped into my head which wasn’t far too filthy to post

 

[Deleted User]

The data from a PNG of your face converted into an audio waveform.

 

[wownmnpare]

My life.

 

[zxr750j]

Someone's girlfriend asked her man to clean the toilet-brush, so he put it in the dishwasher...

 

[TheMrIron2]

I think this tweet making light of the controversial abortion debate is one of the funnier things I've seen recently.

 

[Stwert]

If the Jetsons were black, what would they have been called?.....




.... The Jetsons you fucking racist.

 

[Flame]

i heard a certain member wrote a love letter to Xuphor. when i saw it, it was even better.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

Sonic tries to use "Gotta Go Fast" as a medical condition to excuse his speeding ticket.

 

[FAST6191]

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/billy-connollys-visit-to-ibiza/
That consistently makes me laugh.

 

[Flame]

Sonic tries to use "Gotta Go Fast" as a medical condition to excuse his speeding ticket.

BOO... get off the stage!

worst. standup. ever.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

BOO... get off the stage!

worst. standup. ever.

Bender, you're just mad because you aren't allowed on tv anymore.

 

[DANTENDO]

Someone who I used to work with back in 1997 said pokemon will flop over here - meaning the uk

 

[mariopepper]

One drunk friend used to call me "sparrow" cause I falled from the 2nd floor

 

[Spadezilla]

your sex life

 

[FAST6191]

your sex life

To be fair hearing ur mum do the chicken dance as foreplay is fucking hilarious.

 

[Deleted User]

Something funny I heard on Valentine's Day some years ago. I was in the room but back then my mind was still slightly too innocent to know what was coming.

Some guy: We all know what roses and chocolates get you...
Everyone: HEADJOBS!

With this said, nowadays, there are certain jokes I like to tell, and do which have a tendency to shock even those who think they've already heard and seen it all. I don't post these on GBAtemp because if anyone who I know IRL stumbles on such a comment they will immediately know who I am. They can then find all my posts, most of my older ones make me cringe.

 

[AmandaRose]

Best typo i have seen in a while just happened a few seconds ago. It made me spit out my coffee I was drinking at the time.

So I was DMing with @Durelle and he told me he was out for his birthday meal.

So I asked him what did you get.

His answer.

Penetration

When he actually meant Panzerotti.