Who is this penguin, and why does he hate America?
While recently playing the faux game Home for Sony's Playstation 3, I wandered into the arcade and started playing a game called Ice Breaker. This game is an obvious ripoff of the classic game "Breakout" or Arkanoid. Nothing truly spectacular. The first level was bog standard, featuring some generic snowscape shots, and I was about to turn it off when level 2 popped up. Level 2 features a frozen New York landscape, with the Statue of Liberty frozen in an erie, leaning posture. The first feeling (being an Average American) was of course rage. How dare they depict such a devestating terrorist Ice Attack on US soil, most especially New York! Hasn't New York suffered enough tradgedy? It was clear to me that Sony was exploiting the feeling of helplessness that every American felt in a ruthless attempt to further push sales of Home. Now brimming with revulsion, I was determined to find any other not so subtle hints that this Penguin (and by extension, Sony) hated America. While I was unable to find any further hints that supported this theory, the more I played the more I realized that this Penguin truly represents my Republican views (Minus his hatred of America) while exhibiting truly deviant practices.
The Penguin in question gains powerups by having drops of fluid splatter on himself and his paddle. Once I developed this description, it became plainly obvious that this penguin was the worst sexual deviant I have ever come across; outside of Airport restrooms anyway. This penguin almost likes it all. From being splattered with green vomit, to being both urinated and bled on; this penguin seems to gain massive sexual powers from bodily fluids. The only fluid this Penguin seems to disapprove of is semen. Being hit with semen makes the penguin's paddle shrink in size, in what only be described as a sexual metaphor of nearly epic proportions. However, the manlove discouragement does not end there, as routinely Eskimo's will appear and attempt to pelt you with snowballs. The practice of snowballing is a homosexual term for the practice of swapping semen, which in this game is so eloquently portrayed by the eskimos. These Eskimo's, so driven by their obvious homosexual nature, have determined that merely slinging sperm at each other has lost it's sexual satisfaction, so they have arbitrarily decided to include the not so innocent, America hating penguin in their escapades.
It was during this sperm dodging that I came to a stark realization. America wasn't frozen. It was completely covered in sperm. Sperm from the homosexual Eskimos. This little penguin didn't hate America, he loved it. No amount of splattered blood, urine, spittle, or purple feces were going to discourage this penguin from his ultimate goal of freeing America from our Homosexual Inuit Overlords. I salute you Mr. Penguin. Even though you may be a sexual deviant of massive proportions, you'll fight to the semen covered death for this beloved country. Your motives may be unknown, but to me Mr. Penguin, you are a true American hero.
Penguins, saving America from the Homosexual Eskimo Overlords since 2008.
Sony, hating Homosexual Inuits since 2008.
While recently playing the faux game Home for Sony's Playstation 3, I wandered into the arcade and started playing a game called Ice Breaker. This game is an obvious ripoff of the classic game "Breakout" or Arkanoid. Nothing truly spectacular. The first level was bog standard, featuring some generic snowscape shots, and I was about to turn it off when level 2 popped up. Level 2 features a frozen New York landscape, with the Statue of Liberty frozen in an erie, leaning posture. The first feeling (being an Average American) was of course rage. How dare they depict such a devestating terrorist Ice Attack on US soil, most especially New York! Hasn't New York suffered enough tradgedy? It was clear to me that Sony was exploiting the feeling of helplessness that every American felt in a ruthless attempt to further push sales of Home. Now brimming with revulsion, I was determined to find any other not so subtle hints that this Penguin (and by extension, Sony) hated America. While I was unable to find any further hints that supported this theory, the more I played the more I realized that this Penguin truly represents my Republican views (Minus his hatred of America) while exhibiting truly deviant practices.
The Penguin in question gains powerups by having drops of fluid splatter on himself and his paddle. Once I developed this description, it became plainly obvious that this penguin was the worst sexual deviant I have ever come across; outside of Airport restrooms anyway. This penguin almost likes it all. From being splattered with green vomit, to being both urinated and bled on; this penguin seems to gain massive sexual powers from bodily fluids. The only fluid this Penguin seems to disapprove of is semen. Being hit with semen makes the penguin's paddle shrink in size, in what only be described as a sexual metaphor of nearly epic proportions. However, the manlove discouragement does not end there, as routinely Eskimo's will appear and attempt to pelt you with snowballs. The practice of snowballing is a homosexual term for the practice of swapping semen, which in this game is so eloquently portrayed by the eskimos. These Eskimo's, so driven by their obvious homosexual nature, have determined that merely slinging sperm at each other has lost it's sexual satisfaction, so they have arbitrarily decided to include the not so innocent, America hating penguin in their escapades.
It was during this sperm dodging that I came to a stark realization. America wasn't frozen. It was completely covered in sperm. Sperm from the homosexual Eskimos. This little penguin didn't hate America, he loved it. No amount of splattered blood, urine, spittle, or purple feces were going to discourage this penguin from his ultimate goal of freeing America from our Homosexual Inuit Overlords. I salute you Mr. Penguin. Even though you may be a sexual deviant of massive proportions, you'll fight to the semen covered death for this beloved country. Your motives may be unknown, but to me Mr. Penguin, you are a true American hero.
Penguins, saving America from the Homosexual Eskimo Overlords since 2008.
Sony, hating Homosexual Inuits since 2008.
