So over the course of the last few months I've been attempting to improve myself, coming to terms with the fact that I'm kind of a massive twat and facing the negative traits that I've taken on over time, it's been really hard to be honest and I've had a lot of trouble actually keeping it up as whenever I was tired I'd slip right back into my old habits of being a sarcastic prick because I push people away because I'm afraid of people actually liking me, but I'm also terrified of being alone
I've been trying to be more wholesome and being more helpful towards others, but at the same time I've also been sticking to my own ideals more which has been a hard contrast as I've cut a few people out that while I honestly considered them friends to a certain degree, I found that when I look back on the times we have I usually don't enjoy it and when I do it's when it's stimulating my habit of talking about people, I've tried to stop that as well but quitting gossip might be the hardest one.
I find it hard to be honest with people and myself, I've honestly forgot what my feelings are like because I haven't felt a proper sadness in years now, I've felt down, I've been upset but usually when I should be feeling down I just get really angry, and then I hurt people because it's the one thing I'm truly good at, I always know exactly what to say to put somebody in the ground, but it's significantly harder to help someone that's genuinely upset
It comes in the form of mood swings, I'll have a few good days and I'll be really happy, and I notice that my friends liven up around me as well, we enjoy our time more, and it's genuinely fun when we game! I don't get salty when I die in games like PUBG or DayZ and it's generally a lot of fun. I'm currently enjoying the happy times now actually, however this is always followed by the inevitable down time, where I turn into a prick for all to see, I'm irritable, hella salty, angry and numb all at once, it's a general feeling where I'm always slightly angry but I don't know why, things that can take me out of this range from the music I enjoy, to my friends pulling me out of it with just honest positivity.
I don't know how I feel and I honestly want to see a therapist, really I do! but that first step, I can't do it, I honestly can't do something as fucking simple as following my own advice I've given people countless times, I wanna stop hurting people, I wanna stop myself from hurting myself mentally but it's a fucking cycle, I never see how cruel I am to other people untill it's too late, even now with all this going on in my head, I know SOMEONE is probably my punching bag right now but I just haven't realized who it is yet until they decide I'm not worth their time, in the past I've been described as brutally honest, that's a lie, I'm just a self righteous twat.
I've hurt a lot of people here, people that were nothing but honest and kind to me and I just turn around and slap them in the face with my massive ego and I hurt them some more
I hurt the one person that I ever felt comfortable with letting in, and honestly I don't deserve them back in my life, maybe never but at least not now, not untill I've become the best possible version of myself
Maybe that it's in the good times now is that I have the balls to actually tag people.
@AyanamiRei0 I'm really fucking sorry that about a year ago I made you into a punching bag, it started as an off joke and it just became me actually just bullying to repeatedly even though you were nothing but kind to me
@Chary I've apologized to you several times now in private but here it is in public, I've been rude to you before, I've been a right twat but you always let me back in but I took it too far half a year ago, I took all the stress from work and the inner turmoil and said terrible stuff to you about family values I can't even begin to understand as an outsider, To this day I don't get what the hell happened to me that day but I've always regretted it, but I am thankful for all the times we had.
@Lia OH BOY I was a massive twat to you right from the start, I have no fucking clue why you put up with me
@TheVinAnator Kid, you've helped me more than you even realize, I've legitimately thought about you a lot because of your adorableness in situations where I'd usually be a huge cock which helps me to stop saying terrible stuff
@GamerzHell9137 OG SQUAD REPRESENT, we get along nowadays but back when we first met and even up to a few years ago we never got along, simply because you actually challenged me when I was being a rude asshole, you're a great guy and I love you (no homo)
@VinsCool man, I get the feeling that you sort of get where I'm coming from with this entire stupid blogpost thing but you were always patient and adult with me,
@vinstage boy that's a lotta vins, you were right.
@MajinCubyan Literally nobody can pull me out of a bad mood like you and Bekah can, I have no clue what it is you guys do, but your positivity is infectious!
of course you aren't the only ones, but you're the ones that always pop up in my mind when I think back on the times that I was still properly active here, I'm not very good at sticking around though but I do my damnedest.
TLDR: I don't like myself but I don't know how to fix myself
I've been trying to be more wholesome and being more helpful towards others, but at the same time I've also been sticking to my own ideals more which has been a hard contrast as I've cut a few people out that while I honestly considered them friends to a certain degree, I found that when I look back on the times we have I usually don't enjoy it and when I do it's when it's stimulating my habit of talking about people, I've tried to stop that as well but quitting gossip might be the hardest one.
I find it hard to be honest with people and myself, I've honestly forgot what my feelings are like because I haven't felt a proper sadness in years now, I've felt down, I've been upset but usually when I should be feeling down I just get really angry, and then I hurt people because it's the one thing I'm truly good at, I always know exactly what to say to put somebody in the ground, but it's significantly harder to help someone that's genuinely upset
It comes in the form of mood swings, I'll have a few good days and I'll be really happy, and I notice that my friends liven up around me as well, we enjoy our time more, and it's genuinely fun when we game! I don't get salty when I die in games like PUBG or DayZ and it's generally a lot of fun. I'm currently enjoying the happy times now actually, however this is always followed by the inevitable down time, where I turn into a prick for all to see, I'm irritable, hella salty, angry and numb all at once, it's a general feeling where I'm always slightly angry but I don't know why, things that can take me out of this range from the music I enjoy, to my friends pulling me out of it with just honest positivity.
I don't know how I feel and I honestly want to see a therapist, really I do! but that first step, I can't do it, I honestly can't do something as fucking simple as following my own advice I've given people countless times, I wanna stop hurting people, I wanna stop myself from hurting myself mentally but it's a fucking cycle, I never see how cruel I am to other people untill it's too late, even now with all this going on in my head, I know SOMEONE is probably my punching bag right now but I just haven't realized who it is yet until they decide I'm not worth their time, in the past I've been described as brutally honest, that's a lie, I'm just a self righteous twat.
I've hurt a lot of people here, people that were nothing but honest and kind to me and I just turn around and slap them in the face with my massive ego and I hurt them some more
I hurt the one person that I ever felt comfortable with letting in, and honestly I don't deserve them back in my life, maybe never but at least not now, not untill I've become the best possible version of myself
Maybe that it's in the good times now is that I have the balls to actually tag people.
@AyanamiRei0 I'm really fucking sorry that about a year ago I made you into a punching bag, it started as an off joke and it just became me actually just bullying to repeatedly even though you were nothing but kind to me
@Chary I've apologized to you several times now in private but here it is in public, I've been rude to you before, I've been a right twat but you always let me back in but I took it too far half a year ago, I took all the stress from work and the inner turmoil and said terrible stuff to you about family values I can't even begin to understand as an outsider, To this day I don't get what the hell happened to me that day but I've always regretted it, but I am thankful for all the times we had.
@Lia OH BOY I was a massive twat to you right from the start, I have no fucking clue why you put up with me
@TheVinAnator Kid, you've helped me more than you even realize, I've legitimately thought about you a lot because of your adorableness in situations where I'd usually be a huge cock which helps me to stop saying terrible stuff
@GamerzHell9137 OG SQUAD REPRESENT, we get along nowadays but back when we first met and even up to a few years ago we never got along, simply because you actually challenged me when I was being a rude asshole, you're a great guy and I love you (no homo)
@VinsCool man, I get the feeling that you sort of get where I'm coming from with this entire stupid blogpost thing but you were always patient and adult with me,
@vinstage boy that's a lotta vins, you were right.
@MajinCubyan Literally nobody can pull me out of a bad mood like you and Bekah can, I have no clue what it is you guys do, but your positivity is infectious!
of course you aren't the only ones, but you're the ones that always pop up in my mind when I think back on the times that I was still properly active here, I'm not very good at sticking around though but I do my damnedest.
TLDR: I don't like myself but I don't know how to fix myself
I was gonna say that. lol