I feel so completely broken, this is quite lengthy so beware...

So, as you all know, I've had my ups and downs on here, and this year has been especially hellacious for me when it comes to my emotions and my anxiety. I'm going to be very open and upfront/honest about my deepest, darkest inner demons. This is very very difficult for me to even confess this, but, it's better that I get this out in the open, first and foremost, I have Asperger's, I've had it for the majority of my life, and while I have overcome much of it, it still remains. This makes certain social cues hellishly difficult and I wanted to apologize for the misunderstandings that this has caused people on this site, but alongside that, I also suffer from anxiety, which also isn't very fun to deal with, but these are only but two of the facets that account for my recent behavioral issues. See, I have some serious issues with addictions, or rather, addictive behaviors that I'm not exactly proud of, things that are proving to be extremely difficult for me to overcome, something I cannot overcome on my own. These addictive behaviors have gained control over me, to the point of disrupting my sleep and even going so far as to prevent me from properly holding down a job. Yes, it's that bad, and I have confessed these to family, who I trust with my life, and they were very understanding and open right back, especially my brother, who himself has had serious addictions that he's overcoming. I finally see the true hell that is addiction, the horrible things it does to body and mind, how it enslaves and gives one a false sense of security. It's been a problem for far longer than it should have been, but, I have concluded that this has been the root cause of pretty much, if not all my problems, especially as of late, and I'm not ashamed that I admit I need help. But the thing that worries me the most, is that people who know me in here, and outside of the Temp, very well could think less of me than they already do, given that I'm pouring out my heart right now about my issues. I can only hope that people are understand me and don't shun me for these problems that so haunt me and cause me to feel such anguish and anxiety. I won't go into too much detail about the addictions, but let's just say it's not the kind of material I can just post on here, it's explicit material and I'm not proud of admitting that. I'm a mess, I need help, and I'm sorry that I'm posting this on here, but, you all have a right to know why I've been such a pain in the ass to so many people, and for what it's worth, I can't be sorry enough. This is a very serious blog, something I need to get off my chest. I hate this feeling, I hate not having control over these urges to look up explicit material, addiction is hell, a literal enslavement of body and mind. I want the old me back, I want to be happy. It does't help that I am grossly overweight, doing a number on my self esteem and self-image and so on, but sadly, I lack even the motivation to get into shape. So yes, I am broken, and I am currently speaking with a trusted friend who is an LCSW, so I'll be starting the path to recovery once and for all. I just wanted to vent, and to let you know what was going on, thank you for taking the time to hear this, as I'm writing this, I am on the verge of crying my eyes out, I want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
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Reecey
This pinged up in my alert box so I read it but what sort of addictions have you got? are you telling everyone your a serious drug addict? Oh my! You sound like you need some serious help. I suppose you never really know who a member is here until they tell you in troubled times like these.
 
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H1B1Esquire
I'd say, get new experiences. I'm a walking (and fucking) disaster. I have a lot of weird issues, I'm 101% sure I've been possessed (I'm a fuck-up of a practitioner), I'm usually alone in a group of people; unilaterally, on every level of: physical, spiritual, emotional, psychological, etc, I find a new way to go beyond rock-bottom. My motivation to be an overachiever in going beyond "how bad can it be?", has given me new thoughts, ideas, reactions, feelings, and an unfair amount of problems.

Most recently, I've eaten pizza everyday for a little over six months. My ex and I used to eat pizza often and when she told me everything and how very little I actually mattered to her, I just ate pizza--it was the only thing that made me happy.

Sure I still drank coffee and beer, but that was generally to shake off the drunk, wake up, get pizza, and re-drunk to blackout to forget how fuck'd everything was.

I've been the same weight (137 pounds) because I just ate quality pizza with wholesome ingredients. I drink expensive coffee and expensive beer. The quality of what you put in your body really has an effect.

In the past few weeks, I've been traveling, trying "new" things, talking to old friends (in person), and generally, just adulting. I can tell you, with these new "experiences" I don't hurt as much anymore, but I'm also kind of numb to most feelings--it's like I'm so depressed, my depression is depressed.

I wouldn't tell you to fuck up your life, but I can definitely tell you new experiences will change you if you try to get new experiences or, "Things look different when you look at things differently." Elementary, yes; confusing, yes; WTF, WTAF, yes, but after it sank in, I understood.

So for your baby steps, take a literal approach--listen to new
and clean things around you, like vacuuming your carpet and making your bed. Even if you give up or just do a little, that's okay, just try again.
 
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the_randomizer
@Reecey, no, psychological addictions *sigh* I'm addicted to porn, downloading it, getting aroused by it, yeah, it's a huge addiction that I have and it's taken over many aspects of my life, and well, you all deserve an explanation. And I'm sorry if my saying so makes you think less of me.

@H1B1Esquire What new experiences do you suggest? Like, new hobbies maybe?
 
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Fates-Blade-900
I hear you, yes... life is hard and unfair, and when I say that I mean it never tells you how to solve problems it just gives them to you, and you know what? They just stack and stack until you feel completely overwhelmed and then you go off and do something you wish you didn't do (like get addicted to something) and then you just feel terrible and insecure and hopeless, but I'm here to tell you the most important thing for every human being: Don't ever give up, and fix your problems one at a time, but a question is: Why do people think it's bad to be addicted to something? If it makes you feel good why don't you continue to do it? Maybe you don't want to do it because something inside you tells you it's wrong, and you would probably be right (anxiety comes from uncertainty, as in anger because you want to stop some thing and you can't then the anxiety sets in), but we don't establish what's right and wrong, God does, AKA Jehovah; Jesus; and The Holy Spirit which are one, they do, they're one because they all think the same thing about what's right and wrong which is written in the Bible, but even if you fix your problem, our whole eternity is at stake because of the sins we've committed in the past (we're stained by sin), you gotta thank God for suffering terribly for you (watch The Passion of the Christ), ask him for forgiveness, then ask him to be the leader of your life, and he will! Because he said he would. (Read John 1:10-12, and John 3:16, and... Yes, I had a time like that myself, when I felt insecure and hopeless, I cried much at that time, and I confessed my problem to trusted family as well, it feels like your body and your soul battle each other when they're suppose to work as one and you just wish all the evil and bad would go away and it hurts terribly, and you wish the pain would go away but it never does, but I was taught to never give up, so I didn't and I will pray you don't either).
 
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H1B1Esquire
Any new experience. I've got more sides than a broken Rubik's cube--I talk to new people all the time. I usually ask women to go to the dance with me. I can't dance, I'm not in school anymore, but I go on dates once in a while. Whether a woman wants a free meal or to treat me to a reciprocal one (:ha: X :toot:), it is a new experience.

For you, maybe: run till you puke and shit yourself. Go on random websites. Gain new knowledge about mundane things. Force yourself into awkward situations and force yourself to react in an unusual way. Try new foods. Laugh at yourself daily. Pee in the sink. Try a new hairstyle. Change your clothing style. Read books to old people. Help homeless people do stuff. Mimic your pets or get a pet. Get a pen pal. Volunteer your time. Give hugs.

Just do new things--you might be surprised by what happens.
 
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M7L7NK7
It's always hard to get started but any exercise really does help, even a few pushups or even farmers walking with anything heavy... Anything to get the endorphins flowing. But yeah the biggest hurdle is just starting bit when you do you'll wonder why you don't do it all the time!
 
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the_randomizer
Would photography be a good thing to dive into? I have a Nikon D3400 camera that's absolutely fantastic, and I use it to take pics of foxes and other animals. Maybe I could expand that to outdoors-related pics as well? Maybe even dive into learning basic programming? Just some ideas to have, I need something to occupy more of my time, away from my PC, but thank you :3
@Milenko Exercise is one of the hardest things for me to do consistently, I often start a few days and then just stop, need something to motivate myself, outside help mostly.
 
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M7L7NK7
If you enjoy photography then go for it, even make a Photobucket or whatever people use these days and show them off, any hobby is good! Always good to have something to be proud of that you made yourself, hell even post it here so we can see what you take.
And yeah consistant exercise is always a challenge, it's all about setting goals and looking forward to results, like seeing weight loss even if it's 100g, anything is a win and something to be proud of, or seeing what you can lift it how many of a rep you can do and seeing that number improve
 
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H1B1Esquire
Maybe incorporate things you can do with things you've been meaning/wanting to do. Take photos of foxes, but use photoshop to make new landscapes for the foxes or make a new job for yourself: designing shirts. Take this for example, you could have made a shirt with a fox on one side, a "does not equal" in the middle, and Doge on the right.
Harajuku-T-Shirts-Men-Roll-DIY-Black-Shiba-Inu-Dog-is-Not-a-Fox-tshirt-Teenager.jpg


Adding to that, you could have had a picture of a :vul1: on the left, a "+", a :ninja:, a"=/=", and "Ninetails".

Calendars still exist. People like backgrounds/wallpaper.
Mugs are cool, like this one I bought recently
images

(couldn't send my photo :( ); people usually like visual references. There's a myriad of things you can do.


Even if you find "inspirational" posters obscene, someone is still inspired by them and you can be the guy to take the photo.


Open your world.
 
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Nikki_swap
you are gonna do fine dood, im pretty sure you can. i just overcame my anxiety disorder, not similar but it was a very hard experience, if i could you can too.
 
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aykay55
Just know that it's never too late to change, no matter what your local Senior Center residents say. I'm so sorry for the things you are going through, but it sounds like you have finally opened your eyes and saw what is really happening. For something this advanced, I would consider having my home WiFI shut down, or at least enabling filters for explicit content on your WiFI router and and not using a device unless you absolutely have to. Slowly the urge to do some of the things you're ashamed of will start to go away.
 
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Nikki_swap
3 things helped me quite a lot, one of them was listening to calming music, i just looked up for those 3 hour long relaxing video game music, another one was take hot baths with bath bombs and lavender smelling candles, sounds silly but it works quite a lot, third one was exercising just taking an hour walk-bike to clear my mind.

my disorder was getting in my way of work too, unable to help people without breaking down in tears, but you just gotta keep pushing.
 
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CORE
Long Walks at night with no one around were talking 1 - 4am etc . local Park? old familiar Streets from your child hood Nostalgia and keeping warm that my way of fighting Anxiety and some Psycological issues but most importantly talking to GOD and confess and pleading about my Sin my Convictions You have come to terms that your broken that is good now you need to pick yourself up easier said than done I myself am going through the motions but you will You can also try headphones while walking and play some Music and if you are somewhere with no one around brace yourself and Scream as loud as you can and let it out dont be down about crying either it a perfectly normal Human way of release too goodluck.
 
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the_randomizer
After thinking a bit, exercise is definitely something I really should do, along with eating healthier and not going out to eat, like at all. My weight is something I'm not proud of my current physical state, and I could stand to lose 35-40 pounds or about 18 kg.
 
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Jonna
Hey, man, you're on the right path. You poured out to me in PM previously, and it sounds like you wanted to improve, but I don't think your mind quite clued in, even though you wanted to.

Even posting this is a huge step, even if you think it's minor. It takes a lot, especially after a posting spree of anger and fuel, to immediately suppress it and apologize for your actions. Takes a bigger person to do that than attempt to remain stubborn and bitter believing it "will be easier this way." Plus, people are much more accepting of the fact that your negativity has been due to dire straights in your life, rather than chalk it up to you may just be a dick.

Do what you can to help yourself, look after number one. I did see you start to post better after our previous conversation, so it can happen, you just have to keep it consistent. BE PATIENT. It's going to take time, it's not an overnight or quick-month-turn-around sort of deal. You just chip away at it bit by bit until you get better.

And also post on your blog, even if no one comments. It's good to get things out, and if nothing else, know that at least I and even a few others will check up on it and on you. Some of us are a weird kind that get off on seeing other people overcome their struggles and turn out happy in the end. Call us freaks, but at least we're a band of positivity.

Rooting for you!
 
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