Agnostic.... and how I came to that conclusion?
I grew up pretty much taking care of myself since age 9 or so I had no religion pushed at me.
At the age of 17 I was burdened with my "
horrible" life and began to seek answers.
Also I started having strange dreams which also made me start to do research and studying different religions and going to different churches
Finally at 20 I found god. Between the ages of 17-20 people would spread the word of god to me... I'd be at a party and someone... a Christian... would be like Jesus this and Jesus that...Jesus hit me with a whiffle ball bat...and for 3 years they would TRY to pursue me and I would fight back then at church one day it hit me like a ton of bricks
*god saved me from the motorcycle accident
*god saved me from the pneumonia when I was homeless and sleeping on park benches in the snow
*god saved me from the suicidal attempts
*god saved me from getting HIV
*god saved me from when I got into the jeep accident
*god spared me and killed Marvin when he got hit by that car
and you see all this time I was mad
AT god cause I blamed him for the crashing my motorcycle...I blamed him cause I was homeless....but it could have been much
MUCH worse...and it was cause of god it didn't get
MUCH worse and god had sent these people to send me the message that HE loves me.
LOL You think the fact that a boy starts raising himself at 9... well he might want a fatherly figure that loves him?
Okay so as time goes on... nothing gets better... only my triumph over disaster time and time again. I was disappointed that even in death I did not see the main who had saved me from things getting "much worse".
It didn't matter... at 20 years old I had a
MILLION unanswered questions that defied logic but when someone loves you and protects you ... who gives a flying fuck right?
Then in 2004 HE went to far and took something from me that totally crossed the line... My whole reason for living and wanting to live was taken away from me with the inability to every achieve it. You know what if the logic was it could be much worse... then by all means I kinda wished he would have offed me a long time ago. He took the one thing that kept me going on and on and on ... and he squashed it. Again I fully realize it could have been much worse...I said that line so many times .... it wasn't even funny...
"Dude your 15 thousand dollar bike has been stolen!!!"
"No worries...it could have been much worse ... God did it probably cause I was gonna die today. "
Shit like that ... no matter how bad the situation was... I would take my beating and say "Thank you sir may I have another"
But then in 2004... the line was drawn and my eyes reopened ... but I was a bit wiser... a journey that was interesting to take to say the least. Even though I had no miracles... I felt something in that church that day when god spoke to me... I saw my life flash before my very eyes...
Of course science has shown euphoric states...extreme moments of happiness can trigger hallucinations? So maybe there is no god? The IDEA of someone loving me triggered a hallucination to make me believe I saw god? And the whole... godly people speaking the word of god to me? Well it wasn't until I was
IN the club did I realize I wasn't special ... god was not sending ME a personal message ... These people have an agenda... go out and save someone. You have any idea when your homeless how many people cross your path ... so the odds of a drive by saving are astronomical. But even though I have been in the club and read the handbook... even though I have seen the science proven on TV ... I can't deny what I feel inside ... The
WANT for something greater ... I have lived an extraordinary life and I have to believe that their is some reason out there I am still alive.
Sure some have pondered Karma... mom used me as an astray at the age of 3 so Karma kicked in and prevented my bones from braking on a parachute malfunction?
I am not a nice guy...not by choice but out of survival so Karma is out... well unless my childhood was so shitty that all the bad things I have done still doesn't counter what happened to me growing up? Bit of a stretch though I mean I've done some pretty messed up shit...
So back to the glorious all mighty... I now believe either
A) he does not exist and I am just one unlucky dude
or
B) He does exist and likes to seriously fuck with me
I want to say
A...I really do... its the most logical...however as I grow older and closer to death every day... I want there to be something more... I definitely don't believe any religion and if there is a god he isn't any form that I will be able to kick in the nuts...when I die I am pretty sure I will be worm food... I'm just not doubting that their may be some sort of higher power
My name is WeaponXxX and that is more story of how I became an agnostic. Sorry this was so long but the original answer was 74 pages long...so this is the best shortened version I could come up with